The Great Escape
by Coopereid
Summary: Derek's POV on Spencer's attempted suicide and recovery. Based on the stories 'Neglect' and 'Road to Recovery' - inspired by the song 'The Great Escape' by P!nk.
1. Chapter 1

When Spencer requested a week away from work, Derek thought it was good that he was finally taking some time to himself and putting the job second for a change. He saw a change in Spencer lately: he seemed to be much less focused on himself and his personal life, and more focused on throwing himself into the job. On the job, he seemed almost robotic, never letting his emotions show or having any long rants as he usually did. In fact, if Spencer hadn't taken the week off, he'd have talked to him about doing so for his health.

At work on Monday, he contemplated calling Spencer to check in on him, but figured he was probably home with his mother or in his own little world. He held his hand over the phone for a minute or two before finally deciding to leave him be. If he wanted to talk, he'd have called him, considering that's what he'd always done, whether it was for one of his cravings or just because he needed to vent for a while.

After the fifth day not hearing from him, he decided to check in with his co-workers, to see if he'd talked to any of them. He went to Hotch and Rossi's offices, but neither of them had an idea of what he was up to, nor had they heard from him. He left his office and walked down to the bullpen, standing between their desks. "Anybody know how Reid's doing?"

He looked over at Emily, who quickly shook her head. "Haven't heard from him since Friday afternoon when he took off. He seemed to be in a rush to get wherever he was going, so good for him for getting this place out of his head for a while."

"Did he say anything about his plans to either of you? Hotch and Rossi are clueless."

JJ thought to herself. "Nothing, I just know he sent his mom a long letter on Friday before he left, and he said he wasn't going to visit her for a while."

He raised an eyebrow curiously. "You're saying he has a week off and he's not visiting his mother?"

She shrugged it off. "He obviously has something big planned for this week if isn't going to Vegas."

Immediately thinking the worst, he took out his phone, calling Spencer. When his cell phone went unanswered, he attempted to call the house phone. When that just kept ringing, he raised an eyebrow. "Have either of you known him to not answer his phone?" Panic started to set in, though he didn't want to show it to his teammates.

He looked over at JJ, who seemed just as shocked as he was. "Not in the years I've known you think something's up?"

He scanned Spencer's desk, looking for something, anything to tell him where he'd gone or what he was up to on his week off.

* * *

Garcia walked by, resting a hand on his shoulder. "What's going on, brown sugar?"

He sighed. "Hey, Baby Girl. Have you heard from Reid?"

She thought and quickly shook her head. "Not since Friday. I have all of your names in my system to alert me if you're on any outgoing flights and trying to leave me, and as far as I know, he's still here."

Emily seemed offended. "Hold up. You _track_ us?"

Garcia smirked. "I have to know that my babies are okay at all times. After _somebody_ took off to Boston to take on an unsub single handedly, can you blame me?"

JJ smiled slightly, looking over at Emily who simply said "Point taken."

Derek froze. "So he's still here?"

"Did I stutter? Yes, Derek Morgan, he's still here. Why?"

"I just tried calling both of his numbers and there's no answer, and _nobody's_ heard from him since Friday."

Garcia paled. "You don't think something's wrong with Boy Wonder, do you?"

He sighed. "I'm going to stop by his place, see if he's there, just to be sure he's doing okay."

JJ bit her lip. "Let us know if you find out anything?"

He nodded, taking his car keys out of his pocket, running for the elevator.

* * *

The entire drive over to Spencer's apartment, he was trying to clear his head. If something were wrong, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for not checking in on him.

_If? Of course something's wrong, you idiot. You haven't heard from him in five days. _

He shook his head, running a hand over his face. Hopefully he'd walk up to his apartment, knock on the door, and Spencer would answer, apologizing for the delay because he was distracted by a book he was reading.

_If something is wrong, it's your fault for not checking on him._

He sighed, speeding up when he rounded the corner for his street.

Once he was parked, he took the steps two at a time, running all the way up to his apartment. He stopped in front of his door, knocking repeatedly. "Hey, Pretty Boy, are you in there?" He noticed that his car had been parked in front of the complex, so if he had left the apartment, he'd have to be on foot. Considering his bad knee, he wouldn't have gotten very far. He shook himself out of his thoughts and knocked again, harder this time. "Spencer? It's Morgan, are you home?"

He looked down at his feet and saw the newspapers from the past few days sitting on the doormat. He heard a door opening and turned to a neighbor who was exiting her apartment. "Excuse me, Miss?"

She turned to him. "Yes?"

"Have you seen anyone come in or out of this apartment in the past few days?" he asked, pointing to the door.

She thought back, going through the keys on her keyring. "I haven't seen him leave since he got home on Friday. He tends to be a shut-in, so nobody's too concerned."

"…Does he usually collect his paper in the morning?"

She nodded. "Every day with his cup of coffee." She found the right key, locking her front door. "Anything else?"

He shook his head. "No, thank you."

He waited for her to walk down the stairs and counted five newspapers on the ground, meaning he hadn't even opened the door to his apartment since he got home on Friday. He knocked once more, pounding on the door. "Spencer, it's Morgan. Open up."

* * *

When he was once again greeted with silence, he sighed, needing reassurance that Spencer was okay. He took a few steps back and kicked the door down, making a mental note to tell the super on his way out later on. He scanned the apartment and saw something he wasn't expecting: clutter. Books were thrown all around without a case, messy dishes that seemed to be a week old sat in the sink, and his clothes were all around the apartment.

"Spencer?" he called, walking around the small apartment. He wasn't in the kitchen, and the coffeemaker looked like it had been unused for days. He wasn't in the living room or even the bedroom, where the bed looked like it hadn't been made in months: it seemed like he simple slept on top of the messy sheets. Finally, he turned to the bathroom door, knocking. "Spencer?"

With no response, he sighed, noting that he'd be paying the super back for _two_ busted doors. He took a few steps back in the cramped apartment, kicking the door open with ease. It hadn't occurred to him to check if the door was unlocked first, and felt somewhat idiotic.

_Way to go, genius. Could've just opened it instead of destroying it._

He walked into the bathroom and saw Spencer, sitting in the bathtub in a pool if his own blood, his wrist gashed open.

He ran over, lifting him out of the tub and leaning him against it, grabbing his wrist and applying pressure.

"Spencer? Spencer, can you hear me?"

The only response he got was a whimper, the genius not having it in him to talk to him.

He thought to himself and grabbed a nearby towel, pressing it against the wound. With his other hand, he took out his phone, his first instinct to call Garcia.

_Wow, moron. You could've called 911, but you're calling your co-worker? Someone needs to get you a Ph.D . in stupidity._

He felt relieved when she answered after only one ring. "The great and wonderful Penelope Garcia at your service, gorgeous?"

He sighed, pressing his hand down on the towel. "Penelope, I need you to send an ambulance to Spencer's apartment _now_."

She raised an eyebrow. "Is this a joke? Derek Morgan, you're not very funny."

He groaned. "Do I sound like I'm joking? He needs an ambulance. NOW." He hung up the phone, turning to Spencer. "Stay with me, do you hear me? Stay with me, Spencer Reid."

He saw Spencer glance up at him quickly before his eyes shut. He shook his head, pressing his hand down. After losing Emily right in front of his eyes, he was _not_ going to let another team member leave him, especially Spencer.

* * *

When the EMTs arrived, he kept his grip on his wrist. "Spencer, the EMTs are here. We're going to get you to a hospital, you're going to be fine, I promise."

Spencer whimpered softly, his head dropping.

Derek shook his head, lifting his chin. "Spencer, you just need to stay awake. I need you to do that for me."

One of the EMTs tapped his shoulder. "Sir, I need you to back away."

He exhaled. "I'm not leaving him. I'm not going to let him die."

The EMT took his hand, pulling it away from his wrist, wrapping it.

He swallowed. "His name's Spencer Reid, he's 31, he's a federal agent, and he has a single injury, a cut across his wrist." He screwed his eyes shut. "Please don't let anything happen to him."

"We won't, sir, but I need you to back up. Go wait downstairs in the ambulance, we'll be right down with him."

He sighed, stepping back, walking downstairs and leaning against the ambulance. He could've sworn he saw Emily's car go by and leaned his head back, groaning.

Garcia turned around. "…Was that Derek? Why was he covered in blood?"

Emily sighed. "We'll find out soon enough."

The wait for the EMTs to get downstairs was excruciatingly long. He didn't check the time, because he'd only be aggravated with himself. If he'd called him earlier in the week or checked on him once in the past five days, he probably wouldn't be here right now, soaked in his blood and hoping he'd survive this. After they got him into the back of the ambulance, without a second thought, he climbed in. He kept a close watch on the heart monitor he was on, thankful that his heart was still beating. He knew there was nothing positive in this experience, but he was happy he got to his apartment when he did. One of the EMTs turned to him.

"If you'd shown up a few minutes later, he might not have been able to revived. He's lucky to have a friend like you."

He sighed, reaching out for Spencer's hand, squeezing it. "I'm here Spencer. Don't forget that. I'll always be here."

He knew that Spencer was out cold, but hoped that he could at least hear him. He didn't care that the front of his shirt was doused in blood, or that he looked as if he stumbled out of a horror film. All he cared about was the fact that he found him just in time and he'd be able to leave the hospital, though a lot of questions were still unanswered.

He swore his heart stopped when the heart monitor started beeping. "What's wrong? What's happening?"

The EMT sighed, springing into action. "He's lost a lot of blood."

He leaned back as they started working on him, frozen.

_You could've just checked on him and he wouldn't be dying in the back of this ambulance right now._

* * *

**Author's Note:** I had a lot of people wondering about Derek's point of view in 'Neglect' and 'Road to Recovery', so I decided to write up this story.


	2. Chapter 2

When they arrived at the hospital, they brought Spencer to an exam room. Derek tried running in after them, but was immediately stopped by a nurse.

"You can't go back there, sir."

He raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Are you family?"

He sighed. "He doesn't _have_ any family. He's alone out here and needs somebody back there with him."

"I'm going to need you to stay in the waiting room. Someone will come get you once he's stabilized."

He groaned, walking to a nearby bathroom and washing his hands. He hadn't noticed just how much blood he'd gotten on him. At this point, he couldn't find it in him to care, so long as Spencer was going to survive. He scrubbed for five minutes before his hands were free of the crimson color, and he walked out to the waiting room, sitting down and resting his head in his hands. He didn't mind the blood all over his clothing, he just wanted confirmation that Spencer was okay, mentally and physically.

* * *

He sat there, keeping to himself, trying not to let everything get to him. He snapped out of it when he heard a hand slamming on the front desk repeatedly.

"Hello? Somebody?" JJ pleaded, hitting her hand on the desk again.

One of the nurses looked up at her. "Yes?"

She exhaled. "I'm here to see Spencer Reid, I'm his sister. Where is he?"

The nurse sighed. "The doctor's checking him over now. I'll let you know when you can go back there."

JJ groaned. "That's not good enough! I need to see him."

Emily bit down on her lip, wrapping her arms around JJ. She thanked the nurse and walked her over to a chair, sitting her down.  
Hotch scanned the room and saw Derek, eyes closed in silent prayer. He walked over and sat beside him, wrapping an arm around him and squeezing his shoulder.

Derek sighed, blinking and looking up at him. Hotch could see he was on the brink of tears, if he hadn't already been crying. He couldn't comment, because the rest of the team was just as worried.

Hotch chose his words carefully. "Is he okay?"

He contemplated the question. _If he means is Spencer alive, then yes, he's okay. But if he means okay as in actually okay? Definitely not_.

He bit his lip, unable to look at his superior in the eye. He collected himself. "He tried to kill himself," he mumbled, putting his hands over his face and leaning back in the chair.

Everyone noticed the blood all over him, but didn't know how to approach asking.

Garcia gasped. "Derek, what happened?"

He sighed again, mentally preparing himself to tell the story. He watched as the rest of the team gathered around, just as curious.

* * *

"Nobody had heard from him for a few days, so I decided to go check up on him. He hadn't grabbed his paper since he got home on Friday, and none of his neighbors had seen him, so I expected the worst. He didn't answer, so I kicked the door down and I looked around the apartment. It- it was a total mess. Not what you'd expect from neat freak Spencer. There were books and clothes everywhere, his bed wasn't made, his sink was full of dirty dishes… very uncharacteristic. He wasn't anywhere that I could see, and the bathroom door was closed," he quickly swallowed the lump growing in his throat and fought back tears, "so I busted the door down and… there he was. He um," he cleared his throat, "sorry, he was in his bathtub, and he'd gashed open his wrist. He wasn't responsive, but he was still alive, so I got him out, put pressure on his wrist, and I called Garcia. EMT said if I'd gotten there a few minutes later, he wouldn't have made it."

He wanted to look up and see their reactions, but he couldn't. He kept his focus on a tile on the floor, positive he knew what they would be. Hotch and Rossi would do their best to stay strong for the team, though it'd be eating them up inside. Garcia would be crying, and he hated to see her upset for any reason. JJ would be shaking and focusing on something in the distance, and Emily would attempt to talk to JJ, holding back he own tears.

He bit down on his lip. "What did we do wrong, Hotch?" he asked softly, looking down at his lap. "We're profilers, we should've seen the signs of this. We don't deserve our jobs if we couldn't even see that one of our own was so upset he was ready to take his own life."

Hotch, for the first time in as long as he'd known him, had no immediate answer. All he could do was rub his back reassuringly. "We have to remember that he's a profiler too. As great as we are at detecting problems and emotions? We're just as good at hiding them from the world." Derek felt a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder. "We just all need to be there for him. When he comes out of this, we can't accuse him or constantly berate him, asking him why. He needs to know he has a support system in place for himself, and we need to be that, understood?"

He looked around at the team, who all nodded in silent agreement. Now, they had to play the godawful waiting game.

Derek looked over at his superior, and for the first time in a long time, saw his emotions written on his face. He was visibly upset, something he never let the team see. He was lost in his own mind, and Derek knew exactly what was going on: he was wondering why this happened, and how he could've prevented it. Wondering if maybe, he'd listened to him once in a while or asked him what was going on, if they'd still be in that waiting room.

* * *

The silence of their group was broken by JJ. "Was there a note?" she whispered, eyes still closed.

Derek looked over at her – he hadn't thought to look for one, his priority was Spencer's survival. "I…I didn't check," he admitted, reaching over and grabbing her hand, squeezing it. "But we don't need to know if there was. He's going to walk out of here and it doesn't matter what he put into a note."

She shoved his hand away, disgusted. "Yes, it does. Obviously something was going on in his head that was so bad he felt the need to take his life. If he put it into words, I think we deserve to know what he had to say.

He sighed, not wanting to admit she was right. Finally, Rossi spoke up. "I'll check his apartment, maybe clean up the mess while I'm there. What's his address?"

"412 Washington Street, Apartment 23," Garcia spoke up, focusing on a tile on the floor, her chin in her hand.

Derek heard Hotch and Rossi talking, but tuned it on, his mind in another place.

One of the nurses came out, holding out a pair of scrubs to Derek. He tried refusing them, but Garcia sighed. "Sweetie, sitting here covered in his blood isn't going to help you any."

He swallowed, giving the nurse a quick thank you and walking to one of the bathrooms. He quickly changed into them and looked at himself in the mirror. His mind was still nagging him, telling him how much he could've prevented this. Before he could let them fall, he wiped the tears away, shaking his head. Sitting here crying about it wasn't going to do anything for any of them. He buried his head in his hands, groaning, before walking back out to the living room and taking his seat again.

* * *

Time seemed to be going backwards until Hotch got a phone call, presumably from Rossi. He listened in as Hotch kept the conversation short and attempted to keep his language undetectable. The conversation and Derek turned his head to face him. He saw his superior, the man who was always strong, starting to break down. He turned his face back to the ground and sighed, closing his eyes. Hopefully this was all just a really bad dream and he could wake up from it soon.

Rossi walked back in a while later, observing that everyone was still where they were sitting, lost in their own silence. He got Hotch's attention and he got up, walking over.

"You holding up okay?" Rossi asked, patting his arm.

He sighed. "I'm holding it together." He motioned toward the envelope. "Is that them?"

He lowered his voice, sure not to alert the rest of the team. "I don't think this is a good idea. With how JJ lost her sister? This could take her down a road we don't want to see. With Garcia having no family and Reid being her little brother? We could lose her fun bubbly personality. Not to mention Morgan, who had to find him that way. How's he going to take this?"

Hotch looked at his elder. "I understand that, but people deal with things differently. We need to at least give them the option to see what he has to say."

Rossi handed him the envelope, tucking his own note into his jacket pocket, hoping to ignore it.

* * *

Hotch sighed, walking over and sitting with his team. JJ noticed the envelope out of the corner of her eye and sighed. "He did?"

He nodded, opening the envelope and pulling out five separate envelopes. "One for everyone on the team."

Garcia's head snapped up and she gasped. "You mean he already said goodbye?"

Derek exhaled, looking around at the team. "Do we read them?"

JJ didn't wait for a response, ripping the envelope with her name on it out of his hands. She stared at it for a moment before getting up from her seat, walking to the opposite side of the waiting room and taking a seat, curling up and ripping the envelope open.

The rest of the team kept an eye on her as she read, taking notice of her reactions. Once she finished, she closed the letter, biting down on her lip and sniffling. Morgan saw the same look he'd been wearing since he arrived at Spencer's apartment: one that said 'if I had only done 'x', we wouldn't be here'. The tears fell and Garcia sighed, looking down at her own envelope. Derek observed that he'd called her 'Penelope' instead of Garcia. Before he could say anything reassuring to her, she took a deep breath, opening the envelope and taking out the letter. She wasn't sure she wanted to do this after seeing JJ's reaction, but knew that something in her said she had to. Once she finished, she was numb. She didn't start crying or show any of the emotions she was feeling. She sat there, frozen, unsure of how to react and stuffing the note into her purse.

Derek scanned the room and saw that Emily was next. He watched as she read the letter, seeing her face slowly sink and contemplating even reading his own. Hotch avoided reading his letter, and Derek knew it was to stay strong for everyone on the team, while Rossi didn't care to read it, not wanting to see Spencer as a victim. They had enough of that on the job and he didn't need to look at someone who was practically family like that.

He battled with himself for a while to make the decision to read the letter. He cared about Spencer more than anyone else on the team, which was something he wouldn't openly admit. He was like the younger brother he'd never had, and still couldn't wrap his head around why he would do this to himself. He finally made the decision, opening the envelope and pulling the letter out. He read it, taking in every single word.

_Derek,_

_Somehow I knew you'd be the one to find me. First, I want to apologize for that. I never wanted to hurt you or make you upset. I just needed a quick and easy way to get away from it all. I couldn't handle being everybody's afterthought anymore, and I promise you, I'm sincerely sorry you had to find me this way. I've felt like this for a while, and I promise, there's nothing you could've done or said to change my mind._

_The first thing I want to do is thank you for taking me under your wing. Though you teased me, you made me feel welcome at the BAU, and made me feel as if I was always protected. You were there for me after Hankel, and after the Anthrax scare. You were the one member of the team who seemed to give a damn about me, and would always talk to me when I needed it. I'm sorry it wasn't enough, but I want to specify that this __wasn't__ your fault. It's all mine, and please, don't blame yourself._

_I want to ask a favor, though I know it's ridiculous to do so after what I've put you through. In my apartment is all of the information for my savings account. I want you to send all the money to Bennington, to keep my mother safe. I also have a letter that needs to be sent to her, if I really did succeed. It's in the top drawer in my bedroom, already stamped and addressed. Please send it to her. She needs to know why I did this._

_To be completely honest, I wanted a much quicker way. I wish I'd used my gun – the unsubs have made it look so easy. At the pull of a trigger, it would've been over. I didn't have it in me, and I couldn't have done that to you. I'd much rather you find me this way. _

_If I somehow do make it through this, I don't want the team to pity me, and I don't want to be treated like a victim. I hope you can all continue as you have been, and just ignore me as you always have. My emotions and thoughts have always taken a backseat, and I hope that continues. I don't want anyone to dote over me or worry over my well-being. There are much more important things to worry about in your own lives. _

_Thank you for everything, especially being the older brother I never had._

_Spencer_

He closed the letter, exhaling, swallowing the lump that had grown in his throat and blinking back tears. He shot up from his seat, pacing the waiting room, sighing and running a hand over his scalp.

"Morgan," Hotch started, unsure of what to say to console him, but knowing he needed something.

He shook his head. "He'd been contemplating this for years, Hotch. _Years_. And you're telling me a team of profilers didn't see a single thing wrong? I don't care how good he is at hiding his emotions. One of us should've noticed that something was up with him and he wasn't right in the head. We should all turn in our credentials right now for sucking at our jobs that much."

Hotch rubbed his arm. "I understand you're upset-"

He mock laughed. "Upset? He wrote individual suicide letters, saying goodbye to every single member of this team. I had to find him a bloody fucking mess in his bathtub. I had to be sure he didn't succeed. I had to ride along in that ambulance and be sure he didn't die back there. I think it's safe to say I'm a little more than upset."

The rest of the team looked around at each other, confused. Never before had Derek displayed his emotions in front of them. Instead, he kept them locked up inside and was strong for everybody else.

Hotch rose from his seat, and with no words, wrapped his arms around Derek. He sighed, rubbing his back. "It's okay to let it out, Derek. You're upset, and you're allowed to be."

Derek bent down, resting his head on Hotch's shoulder, and finally started crying. He wished he'd been able to read Spencer's emotions and prevent this from ever happening.

"I failed him," he choked out, sniffling. "We all failed him. We should've done _something_. Anything at all. And we didn't."

Hotch rubbed his back, closing his own eyes and sighing. "I know, Morgan. We all do."

The rest of the team sat in their seats, watching their current and former acting unit chief slowly break down.


	3. Chapter 3

After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor walked out to the waiting room. "Who's here for Spencer Reid?"

Derek shot up from his seat and walked over with the rest of the team following. "How is he?"

The doctor sighed. "He lost a lot of blood, but he's stabilized. He's weak and hasn't said anything, but I'm sure some company would help."

Garcia bit down on her lip. "So can we see him?" she asked, hopeful.

He nodded. "Not too long, he needs his rest. Down the hall, third room on the left."

As the rest of the team walked to the room, Derek stayed behind, looking at his doctor.

"What's going to happen to him?" he asked, crossing his arms.

The doctor sighed again. "In cases like these, we usually discharge them, or have them hospitalized for a short period of time. Since he's not talking and seems to be in a dark place, we may need to keep him hospitalized."

_Hospitalized? Yeah, that is definitely not going to happen. I'll see them in hell first._

"No," Derek immediately responded, taking the doctor by surprise. "The one thing he wouldn't want in this world is to stay in a hospital and be treated like a victim. If you keep him in here, or lock him up, he _will_ get worse and he _will_ keep trying until he's successful."

He tried reasoning with Derek. "He'll be here for a few hours, and after that, we'll attempt to discuss his follow-up plan. If he refuses to speak to us-"

"Then you can check with me, and I'll be sure he goes along with it." This wasn't a question or suggestion, it was a demand. Before giving the doctor a chance to respond, he walked to Spencer's room, leaning against the doorframe.

* * *

The team stood there in silence, unsure of what to do or say with Spencer. They'd talked to suicidal victims plenty of times, but weren't sure how they were supposed to react when it was one of their own. Derek watched as Spencer sat up in the bed, crossing his legs underneath himself and looking at his lap. He avoided eye contact with any of them and reached over, grabbing his chart from the foot of the bed, scanning it. He looked somewhat relieved at what he'd read, and set the chart back down.

Emily looked around at her teammates before finally speaking up. "How are you feeling, Reid?"

Everyone looked over at her, glad that she had been brave enough to speak and they turned to Spencer, hoping for an answer. Derek stepped in the room, moving closer to his bed.

Spencer shrugged, unable to face them.

JJ bit down on her lip, moving toward his bed. She sat down beside him, and wordlessly wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a hug and rubbing his back. Derek knew what she was doing: he didn't need people constantly talking to him, trying to pull information out that he wasn't willing to share. He just needed some comfort and to know people cared about him.

When he tried to pull back, she shook her head, pulling him in closer and squeezing him. She ran a hand through his hair, humming softly. Derek saw Spencer visibly soften, though not showing any form of emotional reaction. He then saw JJ starting to get emotional, rubbing his back and sniffling. She didn't say anything to him, but just sat there with her arms wrapped around him, never wanting to let go. How long it had been they didn't know, but JJ eventually pulled back, kissing his cheek and giving him a smile, along with a quick look in the eyes to let him know she was there if he needed her. She ran a hand through his hair before getting up and wiping her eyes.

* * *

Everyone looked up when Hotch finally spoke. "Reid, is there someone in here you'd like to talk to? The rest of us could leave the room, give you the privacy you need."

"Derek," he said softly, the first time any of them heard him speak since Friday.

Everyone turned to look at him, and Derek had to admit, he was just as shocked. One by one, they turned to Spencer, hugging him or patting his back. Garcia planted a kiss on his cheek, quickly wiping off the lipstick with an apology before walking out.

Finally, it was just the two of them in the room. Derek took a deep breath and sighed, turning to him. "Would you like me to get your doctor in here, so you don't have to tell the story twice?"

Spencer swallowed and nodded, taking a deep breath.

"I'll be right back," Derek said, stepping toward the door.

When there was no response, he decided not to push it and walked out.

Derek walked out to the nurses' station. "Excuse me, I'm here with Spencer Reid, my name is Derek Morgan. Is it possible for me to get in touch with his doctor? He'd like to speak with him."

One of the nurses nodded and he leaned against the desk, sighing and running a hand over his face. He didn't know why Spencer wanted to talk to him.

_Why would he want to talk to you? You ruined his plan. All he wanted to do was die and you had to go and save him. He probably hates you for what you did. He's probably just going to yell at you and blame you for everything._

"Mr. Morgan?"

He snapped out of it, looking up at his doctor. "Sorry to bother you. Spencer's…he's going to talk about what happened, and I don't know if he'll be able to tell the story twice. Wanted to know if it'd be better for you to be in there, so you can get what you need from him?"

He nodded, grabbing his chart from the station and walking toward his room.

* * *

Before entering, he turned to the doctor.

"He's a very quiet person, and it's very likely he's going to open up and say a lot of things he doesn't want to admit. I'm going to need you to stay quiet and let him get it all out. If he's interrupted, he's going to close back up and go back into his mind, and we both know if that happens, he's going back to that place. I know you run things differently, but if you want your answers, you're going to have to trust me. You just need to sit back and observe whatever he says, and not ask any questions. Understood?"

The doctor nodded, following him into the room. He stayed back, leaning against a wall, while Derek took the vacant seat beside Spencer's bed, waiting for Spencer. He didn't want to rush him or get him talking before he was ready.

"Thank you," Spencer whispered, still looking down at his lap, fidgeting with his hands and picking at his fingernails.

Derek looked up at him. "Anytime, Pretty Boy. You know I'm always here for you."

He sighed, glancing at his bandaged wrist, chewing on his lip. "When did you find me?"

Derek raised an eyebrow, unsure of how to answer this question for him. He took out his phone, checking his outgoing calls. "I um, I called Garcia right after I pulled you out of the tub, and that was at 2:47 p.m."

Spencer blinked back tears, exhaling. "My estimated time of death was 2:50, based on how I was bleeding out. I know what you want to ask, Derek, go ahead."

Derek prepared himself, sighing and looking him in the eyes for the first time. "Okay… Spencer, why did you do it?"

* * *

He listened intently as Spencer recounted every last detail of his emotions over his career at the BAU. When he brought up how the team paired of, he wanted to speak up, telling him that he'd have been there for him if he'd only asked. If Spencer had given him a single phone call, he'd have dropped everything and been there in a heartbeat, no matter what the situation. He watched as Spencer grew more nervous, telling him everything. He talked about the LDSK case, as well as Tobias Hankel. Derek had called the hospital after the LDSK, and found out Spencer admitted himself for injuries, specifically bruised ribs. He'd left a few aspirin on his desk, and knew Spencer wasn't the type to want to talk about it. After Hankel, the team stayed in his hospital room in shifts, and they happened to be between shifts when he finally woke up a day later. When they got home, he's the one that told the team he probably wanted and needed space, because he didn't know if he wanted company. He was definitely kicking himself for doing that, because it seemed to be what started everything.

Spencer wiped his eyes before he went on, going through Gideon's departure and the Anthrax poisoning. He'd stuck by Spencer throughout that day, only leaving when Spencer practically begged him to. He now realized that Spencer had actually needed him, and he should've stayed with him the whole time. Hotch could've caught Chad Brown on his own and he could've been there, pushing aside the thoughts of doubt and worthlessness. Being the only person at the hospital had been his idea, so Spencer woke up to the one person who tried to be with him through it all. Every few minutes, he answered his phone to calls from the team checking in on him. He thought that Spencer wouldn't want everyone doting on him, and told them to stay away, promising he'd be there for him throughout it all. Knowing that moment is what started his thoughts is something he wouldn't easily forget.

When he brought up his headaches, Derek wanted to hit himself. He never followed up on it, but that's because Spencer never seemed to be affected by them anymore. He had to admit, they've all been in a dark place before, thinking about it, but they were all able to pull out with the help of family, friends, and positive thinking. The fact that Spencer felt he didn't have any of those going for him made Derek wonder how he didn't notice this sooner. He started talking about how he considered killing himself and he wanted to jump in and stop him, remind him of how much he mattered, but he knew he couldn't, or Spencer would shut himself in and probably never tell anyone.

Once he was finished, he started crying, and Derek was unsure what sort of reaction Spencer was looking for. He'd just unloaded several years of emotional baggage he didn't even know he was carrying around, and didn't know what he was supposed to do. Rather than overthink it, he did the one thing that came to mind. He got up from his seat, sitting on the edge of Spencer's bed, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his back, rocking him slowly. "You're here for a reason, Spencer. You survived this because you're _supposed _to be here. This team needs you, and you need us. I promise you that we're never going to let you feel this way again."

Spencer sniffled, burying his head in Derek's shoulder, only able to whisper 'I'm sorry' before he finally let himself cry his heart out.

Derek squeezed his eyes shut, sighing. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for in this situation. I'm going to be here for you through this, I promise."

Spencer sniffed. "D-don't let them lock me up, Derek," he sobbed against his shoulder.

Derek sighed, letting his own tears fall and rubbing Spencer's back. "I won't let that happen to you. I won't let you be hospitalized, even if I have to sit by your side every step of recovering from this. I won't let them do that to you. Do you understand?"

Spencer sniffed, nodding slightly against his shoulder.

Derek continued the circles on his back, exhaling.

_If you'd just checked in on him once and a while and talked to him, the two of you wouldn't be here crying like little children on a hospital bed. He'd be safe and this wouldn't have happened._

He shook his head, sighing.

* * *

When Spencer pulled back, his doctor looked over at him. "We're not going to keep you here, _but_ we are going to have to come up with your follow-up plan: set you up with a therapist, put you on medication for your thoughts, and give you the numbers for some crisis lines you can call if these thoughts come back."

Spencer sighed, but nodded, playing with the material on his blanket. "Thank you," he said softly, keeping his eyes down.

"I also need you to think about who you want as your allies. Most people who attempt are able to build a support system of allies who can help them, should these thoughts ever return. Some people choose one ally, though this is definitely a situation where more could be better."

_Be his ally, Derek, it's the least you could do for him right now._

"What do they need to do?" he asked, eyeing Derek. He didn't want to inconvenience any of them more than he already had, wasting their day and making them sit in the waiting room.

"Mostly? You need to talk about your feelings and thoughts with them, being completely honest. Give them a call if you feel yourself getting upset, have them help you stick to a routine, remove anything you can harm yourself with from your environment, monitor your medication intake so there's no danger of overdosing. It also helps to do your research on mental illness."

His head snapped up. "I'm not crazy."

Derek knew this was a turning point in the conversation, and not a good one. "That's enough. Is he free to go home?"

His doctor looked between the two men. "I'll prepare the paperwork, we can clear him in a few hours."

* * *

"I'm going to need to do a psychological evaluation," the doctor said, "alone."

He turned to Spencer, whose face visibly paled.

"Can't I stay with him?" Derek asked.

He shook his head. "I need to talk with him alone so I know I'm able to discharge him later on today."

He sighed. "I'll be right outside the door, Spencer, I promise. If you need me, I'll be right there."

Spencer gave him a quick nod and he stepped out, leaning against the door after closing it.

* * *

After the doctor left, he walked in and turned his attention to Spencer, who still seemed upset by the doctor bringing up mental illness. He sighed. "Do you want me to get the rest of the team so you can talk to them?"

Spencer bit down on his lip. "Don't leave," he pleaded.

Derek smiled slightly. "I'll be right here, I promise." He took out his phone, texting Hotch.

_He wants to see everyone_.

He then took his seat, grabbing Spencer's hand and squeezing it. "You're not alone anymore. You never were."

Spencer's only response was a nod, looking back at the blankets on the bed.

Before the team made it to the room, Derek looked at him. "Pretty Boy, you're more than welcome to come stay with me for a couple of days. Just until your head is back on straight."

Spencer bit his lip. "You mean 'so you don't try to kill yourself again'?"

Derek sighed. _Way to go, spark the thoughts again. Genius, Derek. _"I just want you to be in a place where you're comfortable, and I don't think going back to the place where you… for lack of a better word, attempted, is best for you right now."

Spencer wiped his eyes, nodding. "I-I just need to stop by my apartment for some clothes."

"I can send somebody else. You don't have to go back there until you're ready."

He nodded again, tracing the stitches under his bandage.

* * *

As they all looked at him, Spencer looked down at the bed. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath.

"You found them, didn't you? That's why your body language is off. You read the letters."

They all looked around at each other and JJ finally spoke up. "We didn't know if you were going to make it, and we needed our answers."

He sighed. "If it's any consolation, I meant every word. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I just wanted my own pain to end. I didn't consider what it would do to you, and I'm sorry." He wiped his eyes, biting his lip. "I never wanted to cause you the pain that I felt inside, and I hope you can forgive me for what I did."

Rossi looked over at him. "Are you feeling any better? Did you get any clarity from it?"

"I had a different experience," he whispered, "last time I saw the light and felt warmth, but this time, it was just… numb, like everything I felt had washed away and I had the feeling that I didn't have to suffer in silence anymore."

"You never have to again, Reid," Garcia said. "We're here and we're not going away, no matter how much you ask us too. Especially me, you're stuck with me for life, mister."

Spencer gave his first smile they'd seen in a while, which they would gladly admit warmed their hearts. "I, I um, I actually need to talk to you all. If you don't want to stick around for this, I understand. I'm at my lowest point in life and need to build my way back up, and I can't do that alone. The doctor suggested that I create a network of allies, or people I can talk to if I get near this point again, and clear away anything I can harm myself with. It's not going to be easy, and I'm not going to hold it against anyone if you choose to walk away right now." He bit down on his lip, sighing. "And I understand if you want me off the team. If you agree to it, I'll put in my resignation, effective immediately and get out. I won't be offended, I promise."

Hotch shook his head. "I speak for everyone when I say that you will always be a part of this team, and a member of our families. We're more than willing to help in any way we can."

He couldn't stop himself from crying again and JJ sat beside him, rubbing his back. "You can stay with me until you get back on your feet. I'm sure Henry would love to see his Uncle Spen every day."

"I… I wouldn't want to do that to you. I don't want you to take any attention away from Henry to take care of me." He saw Hotch ready to speak up. "Or you to take time away from Jack. You need all the time you can get with them. Besides, I really don't want to explain what I did to them."

Derek spoke up. "He's going to stay with me as long as he wants, and I'm going to regulate his medications and take care of him."

"I don't need someone to take care of me," Spencer snapped. "If I needed that, they'd lock me up in here with the rest of the crazies." JJ reached over, squeezing his hand. "I just, I need a support system in place."

"And you have it," Rossi said, patting his shoulder. "I'll stop by your apartment, pick up some clothes and a few things for when you're staying with Derek." He took his keys out of his pocket. "I'll drop them off at your apartment," he finished, looking at Derek, who nodded.

"Everyone, take the long weekend," Hotch started, looking around at the team. "You could all use it. I'll see you back at work on Monday." He focused his attention on Spencer. "All of you."

Spencer's eyes lit up. "…Really?"

"You're still a member of this team, and you always will be. I'll see you on Monday."

Spencer knew he couldn't move from his bed, being hooked up to the monitors and IV, but he held out his arms to his superior. Hotch couldn't help his smirk, leaning in and wrapping his arms around Spencer, patting his back.

"Get some sleep tonight."

He nodded, and the rest of the team said their goodbyes to him, promising him they'd talk to him soon.

Derek turned to him. "How are you feeling?"

Spencer sighed, tracing the stitches on his wrist and shrugging.

_He's not going to open up like a book, this isn't a Disney movie. You have to give him time, idiot._


	4. Chapter 4

Before Spencer was discharged from the hospital, Derek had given a key to his apartment to Rossi so he could drop off Spencer's things, as well as the key to his car so he could drop it off at the hospital.

"Do you need me to do anything else?" Rossi asked, looking up at him.

He sighed, lowering his voice. He was outside Spencer's room, but still didn't want him to hear. "I need you to stop somewhere, get a padlock and a chain, put any knives and sharp instruments in one of the cabinets in my kitchen. I don't want him to have anything around that's going to tempt him."

"Should I put in any medications?"

He nodded. "Anything from my medicine cabinet he could take, put it with the rest."

"I'll give you a call when I'm done. Take good care of him."

He nodded, before turning to walk back into Spencer's room. He was still visibly shaken up from everything that happened earlier in the day, including divulging all of the information and having the doctor bring up the possibility of mental illness. He knew once they got back to the apartment, he'd have Spencer get some sleep – he looked like he could really use it.

* * *

When the doctor came by with the discharge forms, he handed Spencer several pamphlets, as well as an appointment card to see a therapist. He stuffed them in his pocket, nodding as the doctor spoke. He grabbed the pen and signed the discharge forms.

"Are you sure about this?" Spencer asked. "You can just drop me off at my place and I'll fend for myself."

Derek shook his head, walking out to the parking lot with him. "It's fine. You just have to deal with Clooney at my place."

Spencer got in the car, quickly buckling his seatbelt. "And if he doesn't like me, you can take me home. I won't be offended."

Derek smirked, shaking his head. "You're not getting away from me that easy." He closed the door and buckled himself in. "I have a guest room that my mother and sisters stay in when they visit. You're more than welcome to sleep there, or you can have the pull-out couch."

"Anything's fine," Spencer admitted, unsuccessfully attempting to pull the hospital bracelet off of his wrist.

Derek started the car, pulling out of the spot and driving. "When's your appointment?"

Spencer pulled the card out of his pocket and flipped it over. "Tomorrow afternoon."

Derek glanced over at him. "Do you need a ride?"

He nodded slightly, tucking the card back into his pocket. "Did Rossi bring my things by the apartment."

"Mhm." He didn't bother to divulge the information about locking up certain things in the house , not wanting him to feel like he was inconveniencing him in any way.

* * *

He drove up to the drive-thru at the pharmacy. "Hi, Derek Morgan, I'm picking up a prescription for Spencer Reid?"

The pharmacist nodded, walking away. Spencer sighed, resting his head on his arm. "I don't need someone else to pick up my medication for me, I'm more than capable."

"It's just procedure, kid. It's what they do after situations like this."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "It's not a situation, Derek, it's a failed suicide attempt."

He sighed, putting his card on the clipboard provided by the pharmacist and turning his attention back to Spencer. "I'm not mad at you for this, Spencer. And I don't know what you want me to say or think here, but-"

Spencer shook his head, glancing out the window. "Just forget it."

He reached out, taking the clipboard again and signing his name, waiting to be handed the prescription. Once he got it, he inspected the bottles: two pills, twice a day. He could handle that for him. He tried getting Spencer's attention again, but he was focused on something in the distance, so he just pulled out of the spot, driving to his apartment.

* * *

As he parked in front of his apartment building, he got out, walking around and opening Spencer's door.

"You don't have to do this, Derek," he started, getting out and pulling his wrist into his shirt sleeve, trying not to attract any unwanted attention.

"You're more than welcome as long as you need it."

He walked up to the apartment, sure that Spencer was close behind. After unlocking the door, he walked in, putting Spencer's prescriptions on the counter. He raised an eyebrow when he heard the door closed and the shuffling of feet. He turned around and saw Spencer was backed up to a wall, Clooney wagging his tail at him.

Derek smiled slightly. "It's okay, he's just getting to know you."

Spencer bit his lip, making his way over to the couch and picking up his bag. "Guest room?"

Derek pointed down the hall. "First room on the right. Half-bath is attached to it."

Spencer nodded, walking to the room and dropping his bag. Derek peeked in a few minutes later and saw him curled up with the blankets pulled over his head, fast asleep.

* * *

Derek sat down on the couch, patting the spot beside him for Clooney to jump up. He scratched behind the dog's ears when his phone started ringing. He quickly grabbed it, hoping the ringing didn't wake Spencer, and shortly after checking the caller ID, answered.

"Hey, Baby Girl."

"Hey yourself. How's my favorite genius doing?"

He shifted to check the guest room again. "He's currently out cold in the guest room. He was barely in the apartment five minutes before he fell asleep?"

"At 7? Poor guy, it's been a long day for him. Has he said anything?"

He leaned back. "He tried to tell me that he doesn't need my generosity and that he'd be fine sitting in his apartment, then tried using Clooney as an excuse for not staying here.

"You didn't believe any of those excuses, did you? Derek Morgan, he can't be alone right now. He needs his family."

He smirked. "I didn't. He's fine. He just really needs his support system right now."

"Where are the knives in your house?"

"Locked in a cabinet to which only I have the combination."

"And any prescription bottles?"

"Locked in said cabinet."

She sighed. "What if this doesn't work, Derek? What if we're there for him and he still wants to do this to himself? Do you know that Hotch and Rossi couldn't even bring themselves to read their letters in front of the team? We're all worried about him and what if we're there and he just… he does it again?"

"Calm down, Baby Girl. We're going to be there for him as much as we can, and if he even thinks about it again, he knows he can talk to one of us to get through it. He's smart, he knows what he can do."

"Take good care of him, promise me."

"I promise. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Send him my love when he wakes up."

"I will." He hung up the phone, sighing, looking into the guest room. Spencer was curled up in a ball on the middle of the bed, his wrist wrapped around his stomach. He wouldn't tell Garcia, or anyone on the team, but he was just as worried as the rest of them, if not more.

* * *

A while later, he heard a groan coming from the guest room and raised an eyebrow. "Everything okay in there, Spencer?"

Spencer pushed himself up and dug through his bag. "I'm fine. Where's your shower?"

"Are you sure-" Derek started.

"That I want to take a shower? Yes. Just because I tried to kill myself in a bathtub doesn't take away my interest in hygiene." He pulled out his pajamas, tucking them under his arm and walking out to the living room. "Shower?"

"Next to my bedroom. Do you need-"

"I need to be left alone for ten minutes so I can clean off the smell of the hospital."

Derek sighed. "Do you want that hospital bracelet off your wrist first?"

"Considering you'd need to use a sharp object to get it off, no thank you."

Derek shook his head. "Just close your eyes and hold your wrist out."

"That ended well last time," he mumbled, holding out his wrist and squeezing his eyes shut. Derek got up, grabbing the scissors from the locked cabinet and walking back to the living room, snipping it off his wrist. He tucked the scissors in his back pocket and handed the bracelet to Spencer. "Done."

He looked at the bracelet in his hand. "Why would I want this?"

"Because it's a reminder that you've survived, and that you have people who care about you."

He sighed, stuffing it into his pocket. "The scar I'm going to have on my wrist will be reminder enough, thanks. I know you're going to anyway, but I'm giving you permission to check on me if I'm not out in ten minutes."

Derek nodded. "Enjoy your shower."

* * *

After his shower, it was unsurprising to Derek that Spencer went down easily. He barely had time to dry off and change before he curled up on the bed in the guest room, falling asleep almost instantly. Derek sat up on his bed, Clooney beside him, watching the day's highlights on Sportscenter. He heard noises coming from the guest room, but nothing that told him he needed to check on Spencer immediately. He started flipping through the channels when he heard him scream.

"Derek! Derek, look out. DEREK."

Derek shot out of bed, running to the guest room and shaking Spencer's arm. "Reid, it's just a dream, wake up."

Spencer looked up at him, panting. Derek could see the obvious panic in his eyes. He sat up, burying his head in his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."

Derek sighed, rubbing his back. "I'm right here, nothing's wrong, you were just dreaming."

"I… I actually did it.," he stammered. "And Hotch quit and Garcia changed and JJ lost Henry and Emily left and Rossi got sick and you-"

Derek shook his head, rocking him gently. "It was just a dream, you're fine."

It had taken a half hour for Derek to finally calm down enough to lay back down and relax.

"If you need anything else, I'll be right in my room. My door's open for you."

Spencer bit his lip, nodding. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Derek reached over, turning off the light on his nightstand, and walked back to his room.

* * *

He stayed up for another hour, thinking Spencer would need to come in and talk to him. When he didn't, he took it as a positive sign, turning off the television and curling up on his bed, fall asleep. He felt a sudden movement on the bed and assumed it was Clooney, jumping up to keep him company. When he turned around and saw a lump under the blankets much bigger than his dog, it took a minute for him to remember he wasn't alone in the house. Rather than interrupting him, he wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back.

_I'm here for you, Pretty Boy. No matter what. You'll never need to know back to that dark place again, I won't let you._

He was extremely relieved when, the rest of the night, Spencer stayed still, almost seeming content with the current sleeping situation. He didn't know exactly what this was, but knew if it was what Spencer needed, he had no problem with it whatsoever.

* * *

The following morning, Derek woke up early for his morning run. When he tried getting up, Spencer kept close to him, groaning in his sleep. Derek looked down at him.

"I'm going for my morning run, Pretty Boy. You're more than welcome to join me."

Spencer shook his head, burying it in the pillow. "Make coffee," he mumbled, curling up.

Derek smirked. "Your wish is my command. Do you want me to make it before I leave, or-"

Spencer put up a finger to him, nodding and pulling the blanket over his head.

He smiled, shaking his head and getting up, looking through his drawers for sweatpants and a tank. After getting changed in the bathroom, he started the coffee. Poking his head back into the bedroom, he saw Spencer was still out cold. "Are you sure you don't want to come with?"

Spencer whimpered, shaking his head, blocking out as much sunlight as he could with the blanket.

"I'll be back in a half hour…"

He nodded, and Derek sent Clooney in to keep him company on the bed. Once Spencer actually did wake up for the day, he didn't want him to be alone.

While on his run, he was able to clear his head of everything that happened the previous day, and think of ways he could possibly help Spencer through this without seeming like he was bothering him.

* * *

After he got back, he saw Spencer in the kitchen, curled up on one of the chairs, mug of coffee in his hands.

"How'd you sleep?" he asked, walking in and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

He shrugged slightly, looking back at his cup. "I couldn't find the sugar for the coffee and didn't want to go digging through your cabinets. I'm already a burden, I don't want to invade your privacy too."

Derek shook his head, opening the cabinet above the coffeemaker, taking out the container of sugar and a spoon, setting them on the table. "You're not a burden, kid. You're a guest in my house, and you can do whatever you want."

He silently thanked him with a nod, putting in several spoonfuls of sugar and stirring them in, taking a sip. This seemed to be a pick me up he desperately needed, putting a smirk on his face.

He drank his water bottle, tossing it in the recycle bin. "What time's your appointment?"

He finished his cup of coffee and made his way back to the coffeemaker, pouring another. "12:30. You can just drop me off, pick me up an hour later. No need to waste your time."

He shook his head. "I don't have anything to do, I have no problem waiting."

He added his sugar, looking at the stitches on his wrist.

"Hey," Derek said, getting his attention, "I'm here, you know that, right?"

He nodded slightly, stirring in his sugar and sipping it. "I'm sorry, for last night. I just… you were asleep, and you said your door was open for me. I'm sorry if I took it the wrong way."

Derek put up his hand. "One, you're a lot chattier in the morning than I expected." This had Spencer blushing slightly, giving a quick 'sorry'. "And two, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't want you to come to me. Understood?"

He nodded again, topping off his coffee.

"I'm going to have to buy more coffee with you around, aren't I?" he said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry, I'll pay for it," he mumbled, walking to the living room and curling up in the recliner.

_Way to go, Derek. You were actually making progress with him and you set him back._

* * *

The rest of the morning was practically silent until Derek was driving him to his appointment. Spencer watched out the window, and Derek knew talking to him would be hopeless, because he was completely tuned out. When he parked, he turned to Spencer.

"Are you ready?"

He sighed. "I have to be, this is my way of staying out of a mental facility." He opened the door, crossing his arms and walking inside, Derek not far behind.

Once Spencer was called in, he sat back, grabbing a magazine off the table and looking up at the clock. Surely he'd be able to kill an hour flipping through these.

About twenty minutes later, Morgan felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He took it out and, checking the caller ID, walked out to the hall, closing the door and answering it.

"Hey, Hotch," he started, leaning against the wall.

"How's he doing?"

He exhaled, sighing. "He's better than I expected, but then again, I expected the worst from this situation. I think any of us would have."

"That's for sure."

He heard the folding of paper in the background. "You read the letter, didn't you?"

He sighed. "Just finished it while Jack's at a friend's house. I can now say I understand why you were so upset, and I'm sorry for trying to talk you down from it. You had every right, and you were correct in saying that we should've noticed the signs of it."

"Come on, Hotch, like you said, he's a profiler too. He knew how to hide this and he did it."

He put the letter back in the envelope, putting it in a drawer in his desk.

"What's going to happen at work on Monday? I know Strauss is going to find out-"

"She already knows."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course she does. If she tries to do anything-"

"I'm not going to let her split this team up, Derek. You can count on that. We're a family, and families need to stick together during the hard times."

Derek could never recall feeling so relieved, except of course when he found out Spencer had survived. "We're staying together, you're sure of it?"

"I can promise it."

He smiled slightly. "Listen, I've got to get going. Spencer's in with his therapist right now and if she cuts the session early, I don't want him to walk out to an empty waiting room."

"So you're taking care of him?"

"I am. I know he needs somebody right now, and I know he can't be back in that apartment until he's ready."

Hotch nodded in agreement. "Thanks, Morgan. If you hadn't thought to check on him-"

Derek cut him off. "I know. You're welcome."

He hung up the phone, walking back out and grabbing a magazine off the table.

* * *

A half hour later, he heard the door open and closed the magazine, looking up at Spencer. "Ready to go?"

Spencer sighed, tucking the card into his bag. "You didn't have to sit around and wait. It was exactly an hour, you could've done something better with your time."

He shrugged, getting up. "I thought it'd be better for you to walk out and see someone waiting here for you. Do you want to talk?"

He bit his lip. "At your apartment? Please?"

Derek wrapped an arm around him, walking outside.

After they made it back to the apartment, Spencer grabbed a water bottle and sat on the couch, twisting the cap idly. Derek knew there was something he wanted to talk about, but didn't want to rush him into it, afraid he'd shut himself in again. Instead, he sat on the other side of the couch, waiting.

Spencer finally spoke up. "I know why I did it," he whispered, looking down at his lap.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

Spencer bit down on his lip. "I know why I did it – why I tried to kill myself."

Derek was confused. Spencer had just told him his reasoning yesterday at the hospital. "I know, you told me yesterday. Because you felt neglected by the team."

Spencer swallowed, reaching up to wipe his eyes. Derek reached over and grabbed a box of tissues, setting it beside him. "My therapist, she helped me realize it. I was alone… I had no family, no friends, nobody I could really depend on. When everyone else paired off, I was left to my own, dealing with my own emotions. Rather than bother anyone and take them from their pair, I chose to internalize all of my feelings and keep to myself. They finally built up to a point where I couldn't stand the thought of being by myself for another day. I… I took the week off so everyone could spend the time with the other half of their pair, and give them someone to lean on if I succeeded. There was a lot more thought behind it than I realized."

Derek was impressed by the progress he was already showing. "All of that from one session?"

He nodded slightly. "But I still need to go back for several weeks. Unfortunately, there's no magical button to fix everything in a single session, or one to get rid of the thoughts and tendencies. If it were that easy, I could be out of your hair in no time."

"Spencer, I told you that you can stay as long as you need it, and I meant it."

Spencer sighed, exhaling. "I'm sorry for waking you up last night. And for ending up in your bed." He avoided his gaze, chewing on his lip. "I didn't sleep well alone in the guest room and I … you said I could come to you if anything was wrong, and you were asleep. I didn't want to be any more of an imposition, so I just laid down on the bed and fell asleep. It made the nightmares stay away, and I'm sorry, I won't do it again. I'll just… I'll learn to deal with the nightmares, I promise."

Derek sighed. "You do whatever you need to do to sleep at night. If that involves you not waking me and staying in my bed, so be it."

"Are you sure? If there's a problem, you can tell me. I won't be offended. I'm used to it, really."

He shook his head. "Until I say otherwise, it's not a problem."

Spencer sighed, nodding. "Thank you again, you know, for this. All these years on the team, and this is the first time I've actually felt, for lack of a better word, included. I just wish it were under better circumstances."

"That makes two of us, Pretty Boy."

Derek reached over, rubbing his arm reassuringly, letting him know that he was still there for him.

* * *

Derek turned in early that night, the day taking its emotional toll on him. He left his door open for Spencer, just in case he wanted to come in again and keep his nightmares away. He fell asleep, and no sooner did he hear Spencer tiptoeing his way in. He snuck under the blankets, curling into a ball, wrapping his injured wrist around himself. Derek smirked, opening an eye and shaking his head. He then reached over, running a hand through Spencer's hair. He had to admit that he preferred sharing a bed with Spencer to Clooney: he didn't hog the covers, take up a ton of space, or whine at the slightest movement. He also didn't snore, which was a huge plus. He continued the motion on Spencer's head until the smaller man peacefully dozed off. He wasn't sure how long the road to recovery would last for him, but knew that he couldn't go through this alone. He would gladly be the person to help him put the pieces back together.


	5. Chapter 5

On Monday morning, Derek was sure to get out of bed early to get the coffee on. He wasn't sure how Spencer would feel going back to work, but wanted to make him as comfortable as possible. While Spencer was getting ready, he checked the clock, noticing they might be running late. He walked over to the guest room, knocking on the door. "What do you take in your coffee?"

"Four sugars, thanks."

Derek smirked, walking to the kitchen and pouring his coffee into a travel mug.

Spencer emerged a minute later, looking over at him. "Coffee?"

He looked up, setting the mug on the counter. "How are you feeling about going back to work today?"

Spencer shrugged, taking a sip. "I'm not really sure. I guess I'm glad that I still have my job and I'm not locked up in a hospital somewhere, but I can't help but think everyone in that building somehow found out and they're going to look at me differently."

Derek looked him in the eyes. "If that happens, or at any point in the day you need to talk, my door's open."

He sighed, nodding. "I'm sorry for waking you when I got into your bed last night. I tried to be quiet."

"Don't sweat it." He grabbed his own coffee from the counter, as well as his car keys. "Ready to go?"

"As I'll ever be."

He put a hand on the small of Spencer's back, leading him out of the apartment.

* * *

After parking, they silently walked to the elevator. Once inside, Spencer tapped his finger against the side of the travel mug, looking down at the floor.

Derek glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. "You okay?"

He nodded slightly, remaining silent.

Derek looked at him. "If you're not ready for this-"

"I am," he said softly. "I can't be alone, and the safest place for me to be right now is surrounded by people. Even if I go unnoticed, I just…" he bit down on his lip, "I need to catch a movie tonight."

Derek raised an eyebrow, not seeing Spencer as a movie kind of person. "Sure, what do you want to see? We'll go after work."

Spencer shook his head. "Not _that_ kind of movie."

Derek thought about it for a moment before it finally clicked – he didn't want to go to a movie theater, he wanted to go to one of his Narcotics Anonymous meetings. "Sure. What time's the show? I'll drive you."

He sighed. "6:30 at the high school."

"Then you'll be there. Do you need company?"

He shook his head again. "I… I don't want anyone to hear what I say in those meetings. It's the one aspect of my life I want to stay private."

* * *

When the elevator stopped on their floor, Spencer stepped out and froze before reaching the doors. Derek, who was facing the bullpen, turned around to see he looked terrified.

"Spencer?"

Spencer chewed on his lip, lost in his mind, over-thinking the situation.

He took another look at him and sighed, grabbing Spencer's hand and squeezing it. "Spencer?"

This seemed to be what Spencer needed to snap out of it. He quickly pulled his hand away from Derek's. "I'm fine."

"…You're sure?"

He nodded, walking over to his desk, setting his bag beside his chair and sitting down.

Derek wanted to check on him one last time, but thought against it, walking to his office. He was surprised when he was greeted by Rossi waiting for him.

"Something wrong?" Derek asked, setting his mug on his desk and looking over at him."

Rossi shook his head. "I stopped by Reid's apartment on my way in, grabbed a few more of his things. Something tells me he's still not ready to go back there."

"Thanks." He took a sip of his coffee, sighing. "If I can be honest? I don't think he'll ever be." He sat back in his chair, running a hand over his scalp. "The kid's terrified. He has me periodically checking on him when he's doing anything alone, I watch him taking his medication, he'll sit down and start reading, but ten minutes later he'll panic and need to be near someone. Usually it's Clooney, but trust me, I'm not offended."

Rossi exhaled. "That bad?"

He nodded. "That bad."

* * *

He looked out to the bullpen multiple times in the day to check on him, and was glad he couldn't see into his office easily. He was somewhat relieved when Spencer didn't need to come to his office to talk, proud of him for being able to compose himself. At one point, he saw Spencer get up from his seat after a phone call, walking to Hotch's office. He got up, walking to Rossi's and knocking.

Rossi glanced up at him. "He's doing a Strauss ordered psych evaluation."

"Is that really such a good idea?"

He shrugged, setting his pen down. "I'm not sure, but Strauss wants it. Aaron's going to do his best to pass him. Here's hoping it goes well."

Derek sighed. "Yeah, let's hope so."

He tried to keep himself distracted, thinking of anything else but the fact that Spencer could be suspended from his job. Unfortunately, he wasn't capable of it and spent the time pacing in his office. A while later, he walked down to the bullpen, leaning beside Garcia. "Anything yet?"

She shook her head, playing with the rings on her fingers. "Has he said anything to you?"

He reached down, taking her hand. "All I know is he had a break-through at therapy on Thursday," he said, obviously answering everyone's unasked questions.

She bit her lip. "Well, that's a good thing, right?"

He shrugged, wrapping an arm around her and rubbing her back. "I hope so."

* * *

When the door opened twenty minutes later, they all did their best to look busy. Spencer sighed, walking over to his desk and looking through his satchel. Derek stayed at JJ's desk, hoping he could get some answers from him without seeming invasive.

"Everything okay, Reid?" Emily asked, looking over at him.

He nodded. "Understandably, I'm going to be on probation for our first few cases, and if I show any signs of stress, I'm to report to my therapist as soon as possible. I'm also not allowed to check out any crime scenes on my own until Hotch thinks I'm ready for it, and I can't be left alone at the station, in a hotel room, or pretty much anywhere for a while. Not to mention I'll still need someone to watch me take my medication."

She winced."Are you okay with that?"

He shrugged. "It's not like I really have a choice in the matter."

Garcia walked up to his desk, leaning against it. "Sweetie, we're all going out to lunch if you're interested. Even better, it's Rossi's treat."

He smiled slightly. "Sounds great, I'd love to."

She ruffled his hair, before taking off and walking back to her lair.

JJ bit her lip, unsure how to ask her question. "Spence, do you know-"

He sighed, nodding. "He read it this weekend."

Before he could answer any other questions, he grabbed another folder from his pile. Derek got up, walking back to his office.

* * *

Before going to lunch, Derek walked up to Spencer's desk.

"You sure you want to do this?"

He nodded, pulling on his jacket and scarf. "I'll be fine."

They walked to the restaurant as a group, and Spencer wedged himself between Derek and the wall of the booth. Once their orders were in, Spencer bit down on his lip, pushing his silverware away from himself and sitting with his hands in his lap, eyes closed.

Derek looked up and saw everyone's attention was currently on him. He was thankful when Hotch shook his head at them, causing them to look away. He was also grateful that Garcia took the knives out of everyone's silverware, turning around and putting them on the table behind them. He raised an eyebrow when he felt something reaching for him, and noticed it was Spencer, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly under the table.

Derek exhaled, leaning over and whispering to him. "Are you having a bad day?" When the response was a nod and a tighter grip on his hand, he leaned closer. "Do you still need to see your movie tonight?"

He nodded again, sighing and opening his eyes, looking around at the team. "I… I know I've said it before, but I want to apologize-"

JJ shook her head. "Spence, you don't have to."

"No, I do. I just." He swallowed, biting his lip. "I should've realized what it would've done to you and I was selfish. Suicide would've been selfish and I'm sorry."

Derek shook his head, squeezing Spencer's hand tightly, to reassure him he was there for him.

"Don't focus on the fact that it could've happened. Focus on the fact that it didn't and you're still here for a reason, kid," Rossi said, reaching over and lifting his chin. "You have your family here with you, and you don't need to explain yourself to family. Ever."

He sighed, muttering a thank you and loosening his grip on Derek's hand slightly.

* * *

The rest of the day seemed to go by smoothly for Spencer, and after a quick dinner, Derek dropped him off at his NA meeting.

He turned to Spencer after he parked the car. "When you're ready, I'll be waiting right out here."

"Don't wait around for me. Really, I'm not worth wasting an hour of your time." He put his bag over his shoulder. "Go back to the apartment, I'll take a train back or something. I need to stop by my apartment anyway for some clothes."

He made a mental note not to blurt out the first thing he thought with Spencer, because he didn't take well to sarcasm."Rossi already took care of it." He motioned to his backseat, where there were two pieces of luggage stuffed with his things. "You don't have to go back there until you're ready for it."

"I don't… I don't want you to be stuck with me longer than you have to. When you do finally get sick of my company, you can just tell me and I'll go home. I won't be offended in the slightest."

Derek shook his head. "Like I've said, you can stay as long as you need. Now, hurry up. You're going to be late."

Spencer exhaled, getting out of the car and walking inside.

Derek leaned his seat back, sighing.

_You need to stop this, Derek. He just tried to off himself five days ago. This is the last thing he needs right now. _

_Well, he could use it._

_Yeah, he could use a lot of things. Just shut up and focus on making him better right now._

He snapped out of it when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. He took it out, checking the caller ID and answering. "Hey, Baby Girl."

"How is he?" she asked quickly.

He sighed, looking out the window. "He's at a movie right now, I'm waiting for him to finish up so we can get back to my apartment?"

"Are you sure it's a good idea, Derek? Practically living with him?"

He rolled his eyes. "We can't exactly leave him alone right now. For some reason, he's most comfortable staying with me, and I'm not going to have him going back to that apartment when he's not stable enough to do it."

"But what about-" she started.

He looked up as Spencer got in the car. "It's no big deal. I'll see you when I fly home, Mom."

"Oh, he's back in the car? Be careful with him, Derek. He needs you to be his support system, and he's going to rely on you a lot. Don't let anything happen."

"Without a doubt, I love you too." He hung up, turning to Spencer. "Did it help?"

He nodded, buckling himself in. "Thank you."

* * *

After he got back from his movie, he didn't want to talk, something that Derek respected. He stayed in the living room, flipping through the channels, while Spencer was changing in the guest room. He looked up at the clock and saw it had been more than ten minutes and walked over, knocking.

"Spencer, why's the door closed?"

He opened the door. "Sorry, forgot to open it after I finished getting dressed."

"No sweat." He opened his hand, holding out his pills.

He watched as Spencer grabbed them, popping them in his mouth and swallowing. "Do you mind if I-"

Derek smiled to himself, shaking his head. "Go on in, I'll be there in a bit."

He watched as Spencer walked to the bedroom, curling up on his bed.

A while later, Derek walked in, laying down on his side. Spencer bit down on his lip, moving in closer. He didn't say anything as he relaxed against Derek, or when Derek wrapped an arm around him.

He felt Spencer finally relax for the first time that day, and he fell asleep almost instantly.

_Derek, whatever you're doing, keep doing it. This is the best he's gone down since he's been here._

He reached over, turning off the light on the nightstand, before falling asleep himself.

* * *

When he drove Spencer to see his therapist later that week, he came out with a journal tucked under his arm.

"What's that for?" he asked as they were walking down to the car.

Spencer got into the car, buckling himself in. "It's a therapy tool. She wants me to start writing down emotions and discussing them instead of internalizing like I have been."

Derek got in, starting the car. "Is it going to help?"

He nodded slightly, stuffing the journal into his bag. "I really think so."

Derek looked over at him. "You can talk to me, you know. I won't judge you or anything."

Spencer nodded appreciatively. "I know."

* * *

That weekend, Derek got up for his morning run, changing and putting on a pot of coffee. He watched as Spencer moved to his side of the bed, pulling the blankets up and enjoying the warmth in Derek's absence. He smirked, walking in and sitting beside him.

"Rise and shine," he said, patting his back.

Spencer shook his head slightly, turning his back to him and curling up.

He smiled. "Your doctor said to get involved in a hobby. You're coming running with me."

Spencer groaned, head still buried in the pillow. "Then I'll read a book. Now go away."

Derek shook his head, getting up and ripping the blankets off the bed. "Get up." He walked over, opening the shades on the windows.

Spencer whimpered at the sudden brightness in the room, trying to get away from it.

"You can end this right now. Get out of bed and throw on some sweats. I'll make it a half hour run, and you can come back and go back to sleep."

He watched as Spencer contemplated it, and felt the small victory when he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He waited by the front door while Spencer went to the guest room, changing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and slipped on his sneakers, tying them.

He walked out of the guest room, turning to him. "You _really_ want to go running with someone with a bum knee?"

Derek shrugged, tying his own shoes. "It's not about speed. It's about getting you into something and out of the apartment."

"I could've read, or listened to music, or watched television. Something that didn't involve physical activity and me possibly hurting myself."

Derek laughed softly, shaking his head. "You make it sound like I'm pulling teeth. You're just going for a run in the park."

Spencer shrugged. "If something happens, it's your fault."

Derek held open the front door. "After you."

He rolled his eyes, walking outside. "Where do we run?"

Derek pointed. "Down this street, cross it, through the park, around the trail, and back."

Spencer groaned. "Do I at least get a head start?"

He smirked to himself. "If you'd like, go ahead."

Spencer took off down the steps, running down the street. He wasn't surprised when Derek caught up and passed him once he made it to the park.

He turned around to face him, laughing softly. "Come on, Pretty Boy, is that the best you got?" he taunted, running backwards and looking at him.

Spencer panted, looking up at him. "Considering I'm not in shape and you do this daily? Yes, it's the best I've got."

Derek shook his head, slowing down. "Don't quit on me now, we're halfway there."

Spencer exhaled, resting his hands on his knees and panting. "I'm pretty sure you're the devil, Derek Morgan."

"Then catch up to me," he teased, turning around and running away. He thought he'd put enough distance between them, but was caught by surprise when he was thrown to the ground, tackled into the grass.

He looked up at Spencer. "What was that for?"

Spencer panted slightly. "_That's_ the best I got."

Derek shook his head, smirking. "That doesn't leave the park."

Spencer caught his breath. "Are you kidding? I took down Derek Morgan. That's going _everywhere_."

He stood up, brushing the dirt off his pants and holding out his hand. Spencer shook his head, taking it and pulling himself up.

"You okay?" Derek asked.

Spencer nodded silently, brushing himself off and running again. He watched as Spencer took off and was thoroughly impressed, running after him.

* * *

He made it back to the apartment and saw Spencer already pacing the front steps.

"You've been holding out on me, Pretty Boy!" he said, smiling. "Why didn't you tell me you could run?"

He smiled slightly. "I didn't know. I mean, when I was a kid, I had to outrun bullies a lot, but I haven't actually gone running in years."

"You do realize I'll be dragging you out of the house for a run more often now? It actually seemed like you were enjoying yourself."

He shrugged, holding out his hand. "Give me the key. I won, I get first shower."

Derek shook his head, reaching in his pocket and handing it to him. "Fine. Just this once."

* * *

While Spencer was in the shower, Derek took out a change of clothes, setting it on his bed.

_You not only got Pretty Boy out of bed without coffee, but you were able to get him involved in something that didn't involve academics or intellect. He actually seemed happy for a little while. Why didn't you think of this sooner?! _

He checked the clock and saw that Spencer had been in there longer than ten minutes. He walked over, knocking on the door. "Spencer, everything okay in there?"

When there was no answer, he sighed, opening the door and walking in.

_You idiot, you're walking in on him in the shower. What makes you think he wants this? _

He hated invading his privacy, but this was something Spencer requested from him. He found Spencer curled up in the bathtub, knees to his chest, the water from the shower hitting his back. He reached in, turning off the water and kneeling beside the tub. "Spencer?" he asked, rubbing his back.

Spencer sighed, snapping out of whatever mindset he was in. "I'm sorry, I… I um, I dropped the shampoo and bent down to get it… then I had a flashback."

Derek grabbed a towel, holding it out to him. "Do you need to talk?"

He nodded slightly, taking the towel and wrapping it around himself. "Can I have a minute?"

"No problem." Derek got up, walking back to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

_He had a flashback, you obviously caused this, pushing him out of his comfort zone to do something he didn't want to do. If you'd just let him sleep in, this wouldn't have happened._

* * *

After Spencer got out of the shower, he walked to the guest room, grabbing his journal and sitting on his bed, writing. Derek knew better than to interrupt him when he was getting his emotions out, so he took his own shower then sat in the living room, waiting for him.

Spencer walked out to the living room sometime later, curling up in the armchair.

Derek looked up at him. "Hey."

Spencer bit down on his lip. "I'm sorry for making you worry. I just, when the flashbacks start, I can't get out of them. I tried, and I wanted to pull myself out and yell for you, but I couldn't."

"You don't need to apologize to me."

"But I do. The last time you found me in a bathtub, I was almost dead. I didn't want to bring that back for you." He closed his eyes, sighing.

Derek didn't know what else to do, so he walked over, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his back. He felt slightly relieved when Spencer buried his head in his shoulder, sighing.

He rubbed circles on his back, sighing. "I know that if you ever think of going back there, you'd talk to someone first. Whether it's me, or your therapist, or anyone else on the team. You wouldn't do this to yourself again without discussing it. We both know that. Stop beating yourself up."

Spencer sniffed, nodding against his shoulder. "I promise, next time, if there is one, I'll talk to somebody. I promise."

"I know you will." Derek placed a soft kiss on the top of his head, rubbing his back. "You're not alone anymore, Pretty Boy. You never were."

Spencer nodded again, exhaling, willing the tears not to fall.

He pulled back, looking him in the eyes. "What do you want for breakfast? I'll make anything."

Spencer thought about it for a minute. "…Pancakes?"

He smirked. "Sounds like a plan. I'll be back in a few. Coffee too?"

He gave Derek a look. "Unless you have a death wish."

"My my, I do believe Spencer Reid just _threatened _me."

Spencer smiled slightly. "You got me out of bed right after dawn, and out of the house before I had my morning coffee. You're lucky I'm actually talking to you and not turning into an unsub."

Derek walked into the kitchen, looking through his cabinets.

_You have him joking around, he's never done that before. You're obviously doing something right here, Derek. Whatever it is, keep it up._

* * *

Every morning since that one, Spencer went running with Derek. They'd stopped making it a contest – if you asked Spencer, it was because Derek was losing, and if you asked Derek, it was to get rid of the competitive nature of it. Instead, they started enjoying it together. They took a few breathers during the run, more for Spencer, and spent that time talking. Spencer was finally comfortable with Derek, opening up to him more than anyone. Derek took notice of this and was extremely grateful for it. He didn't see Spencer leaving anytime soon, but couldn't find himself to care about this fact, glad that he could be there for him whenever he needed it.


	6. Chapter 6

When it had been two weeks since Spencer's incident, the team was called into the conference room. Derek had to admit he was slightly worried, unsure of how Spencer would be able to handle it. When he made it to the conference room and saw everyone else's faces, he knew he wasn't alone. Everyone picked up their tablets, looking through the photos.

"What happened?" he heard JJ ask.

He looked over and saw her motioning toward his arm. _Was she really that forgetful?_

Spencer was on the same track. "Two weeks ago I attempted suicide?"

She shook her head, pointing to his arm. "No, that."

Derek looked over and saw a scrape on his arm from when he'd tackled Derek to the ground and scratched himself. He really didn't want this story to be told, but knew it was going to be anyway.

Spencer glanced at his arm. "Oh, that? I tackled Derek again in the park on the morning run and scraped myself pretty bad on the asphalt."

Emily looked over at Derek. "He _tackled_ you?"

JJ smirked. "_Again_?"

He groaned. "He caught me off guard," he said, defending himself.

Garcia laughed softly. "Oh, I would've _kil -_" she paused, reminding herself that Spencer was in the room,_ "paid _to see that." Everyone looked over at her, giving her a look.

"Smooth, PG," Emily said, rolling her eyes.

Spencer bit his lip, looking around at the team. "You don't have to watch the language around me. In this line of work, we have to use the vocabulary. I'm not going to be offended by trigger words. I promise."

Derek leaned back in his seat, keeping a close eye on Spencer after Hotch walked in, announcing the start of the briefing.

* * *

Garcia picked up the remote, clearing her throat. "Well, my pretties, you're headed to Kansas. No, I will not cut down on the Wizard of Oz references, and you can't make me."

"Garcia," Hotch warned.

"Right, sorry." She pointed the remote at the television. "We have a serial killer in Topeka, three bodies found in the last week. All males, ages 25-30. There's no apparent connection between the victims."

Spencer was the first to speak up. "How did they die?"

Garcia brought up more pictures on the screen. "They were stabbed six times."

Spencer swallowed, nodding, looking through the pictures in his case file.

"Were the stab wounds post-mortem?" Emily asked.

"First and second victim, no. Third victim, yes."

Rossi raised an eyebrow. "Why the change in M.O.?"

Spencer cleared his throat. "It's less messy. Maybe the unsub couldn't stand the idea of cleaning up his mess again."

Derek reached under the table, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, Spencer squeezing it back. He knew he'd have to talk about this later, and would be all ears for him.

"So what's the cause of death on the third victim?"

"Suffocation."

Hotch looked around at the team. "They want us there tonight. Wheels up in 30."

Spencer released Derek's hand, springing out of his seat and packing the case file into his bag.

"Reid, I'd like you to stay for a minute," Hotch said, not looking up at him.

Derek gave him a look and Spencer nodded, dismissing him. He watched through the window as Spencer talked to their superior, and was relieved when he saw there were no negative reactions.

_You probably seem like a creep, Derek. Stop watching his every move. The team's going to start talking, and the last thing you need is to be on the wrong side of the Penelope Garcia gossip train._

* * *

When Spencer walked out of the conference room, he walked to his desk, shouldering his bag and picking up his go-bag from underneath.

"Do you need anything?" Derek asked.

"Later."

"Then how about a ride to the airstrip?"

He nodded slightly. "Please?"

They walked out to the car and on the drive, Spencer turned to him.

"Hotch is worried about my capabilities on the job."

"I'm sure that's not the case."

He shook his head. "He asked if I could handle it, and needed me to reassure him that I would call my therapist or talk to somebody on the team, if need be."

"Did you mention your current… situation?"

He nodded, exhaling. "I told him I can't sleep alone, and he respected my wishes. He's going to put me in a room with you, with two double beds, because he knows I'm most comfortable around you at this point in time."

"Well that was nice of him."

"If it's between me rooming with a teammate or me screaming and waking up the entire hotel? I think he'd prefer the former."

Derek parked the car, turning to him. "Sure you're ready for this?"

He nodded again, biting his lip. "I have to be if I want to keep the job, right?"

"If you need to talk-"

"I'll pull you aside or call my therapist before it gets to me, I promise." He picked up his bags off the floor. "What happens with Clooney while we're gone?"

He grabbed his bags from the backseat. "My neighbor has a key, and stops in a few times a day to check on him."

"And he's okay with that?" he asked, walking toward the jet.

He smirked. "You've met him. Any form of attention and he's thrilled."

* * *

After the debriefing on the jet, Spencer dozed off, leaning against Derek instinctively.

JJ looked across the table, smirking. "Comfortable, Derek?"

He shrugged slightly. "It doesn't bother me."

"What's going on with you two anyway?"

He glanced down at the laptop and saw Garcia on the webcam. "Did you ever disconnect from the debriefing?"

"Not at all. I just watched Boy Wonder zone out and move over to your shoulder, almost like it was instinct. Now give me some juicy news. What is going on?"

He rolled his eyes. _Of course she thinks something's happening. _"Nothing is going on, Baby Girl."

"I don't know, he looks _pretty_ comfortable," Emily said, motioning toward Spencer. "Almost like he's been there before."

"Working with a bunch of busybody profilers sucks, you know that?" Derek said, leaning back in his seat. Spencer moved along with the shift, resting his head on Derek's shoulder.

"Aww! He looks so cute when he's sleeping!" Garcia squealed. "He's like a little kid."

"He won't be that way if you wake him up," Derek warned.

"I will get my answers, Derek Morgan, believe me." She disconnected the call and he closed the laptop.

"Garcia's right, he looks like a little boy," Emily noted.

Spencer groaned, burying his head in Derek's shoulder. "Shh," he mumbled, "sleeping."

Derek shook his head, taking his phone out of his pocket when it started buzzing.

_Tell me, God of Thunder, what is going on?!_

He sighed, texting her back. _Nothing you need to know about_.

_Does that mean there is something? Derek Morgan, you have to tell me!_

He sighed, thinking about his response carefully. _There's nothing going on, Baby Girl. I'm just taking care of him while he needs it._

_If that changes, I expect to be the first to know._

_We'll see_.

* * *

Before they landed, Hotch looked around at the team. Derek shrugged his shoulder, waking Spencer up.

"Mmm, I'm up," Spencer said, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, _now_," JJ commented.

"When we get there, Morgan and Prentiss, I want you at the first dump site. Dave and I, we'll take the second. JJ and Reid? Back at the station looking at the evidence and working on the geographical profile."

Spencer nodded in agreement, getting out of his seat and making himself up a cup of coffee.

Hotch looked over at Derek. "How's he doing?"

He glanced back to be sure he was preoccupied. "Much better."

"Do you think he's ready to handle these cases?"

"Without a doubt. He needs something to occupy his time other than reading and running."

"Speaking of that," JJ started. "He's beaten you running how many times?"

"…We've stopped keeping score."

Spencer stirred the sugar in his coffee, taking his seat. "The three days we kept score, I won."

"Maybe I let you win-"

"But you didn't." Spencer sipped his coffee. "I beat you."

* * *

After they landed, they all went their separate ways. Derek got into an SUV with Emily, going to the first dump site. As they were taking notes, Emily turned to him.

"So, what _is_ going on with you two?"

He shook his head. "He's staying in my apartment while he's vulnerable and needs somebody to lean on."

"You're okay with that?"

He nodded, walking around. "I'm glad I could be that person for him. It's what he needs."

"And you're fine with the fact that, two weeks ago today, he tried to kill himself?"

He shrugged. "He's in a better place now, and he knows how to control the thoughts instead of acting on them."

"There's nothing else?"

_Unfortunately not._ "Nothing else is going on right now. He just needs a support system, and that's what I'll be."

"But what about-"

He shook his head, turning his attention back to the case.

* * *

When the team made it back to the station, Spencer put the photos up on the board, studying them. He looked carefully at the stab wounds, chewing on his cheek.

"Reid?" Rossi asked. "Do you have something?"

"These weren't done with a knife."

Hotch raised an eyebrow. "You're sure?"

"Having seen a knife wound firsthand, literally, yes." The team looked around at each other uneasily and he winced, realizing he just snapped at his unit chief. "Sorry."

"It's fine, go on."

He swallowed, pointing to the wounds. "They're too shallow. A knife would've made much deeper cuts. Based on the depth, my guess is it's a barber's razor. Most of those blades are only about an inch long."

Derek reached over, dialing Garcia.

"What can I do for you, my pretties? And my Italian stallion, too."

He smirked. "You know you're crazy, right?"

"That I do, what can I do for you?"

"Garcia, look for anyone in the area who has ever had training as a barber."

"Why, are we getting our little genius a haircut? I think his hair looks fine as is."

Spencer smiled slightly. "We think the unsub may have used a barber's razor, so we need to know if there's anybody around here who either _is_ a barber or has been one."

"It's going to take me a while, but fret not, my lovelies. I shall send this down the yellow brick information super highway to your tablets when I find it."

"Thanks, Mama." Derek hung up the phone, leaning back in his chair.

"Something else Spence noticed," JJ spoke up, getting up and grabbing a marker. "The victim's home addresses and dumpsites are not only inverse numbers, but start with the same letter."

Emily looked confused. "Excuse me?"

JJ uncapped the marker. She wrote down the numbers, using arrows to note that they were inverse numbers. She then pointed out the street names. Both of the first victim's started with 'S', the second victim's started with 'R', and the third victim's started with 'Q'.

Derek raised an eyebrow, impressed. If Spencer hadn't been here, he wasn't sure any of them would've been able to catch onto that.

Hotch looked at the board. "So if we have another kidnap soon, look for an inverse address starting with his home address, more likely than not a 'P'."

JJ pointed the marker at him. "Bingo."

* * *

Later on, the team decided to call it a night. JJ went to go get the food with Spencer while everyone else made themselves comfortable in their rooms. Derek took a quick shower, before sitting on the bed, flipping through the channels on the TV. A while later, he heard a knock on the door. He go up, checking the peephole, and opened the door, holding it open. Spencer walked in, setting the bag from the restaurant on the desk. "Dinner is served."

He was tiptoeing around a subject, but finally decided to be straightforward. "You know, Pretty Boy, you don't have anything to prove to this team," Derek started, eating his food. "You've already proven yourself to us multiple times."

Spencer sighed, poking his fork around. "But I do. I need to prove that I'm still levelheaded enough to keep this job. Strauss is going to get reports from Hotch on every case as part of my probation. I don't want to give her anything to have her second guessing and wanting me to stay back in Quantico."

Derek set his tray down, looking over at him. "Strauss isn't going to get _anything_ from Hotch to say you don't belong here. Hotch is going to be 100% honest, and say that you've been an amazing asset and that this team needs you."

Spencer shook his head. "Not if he includes the fact that I snapped at him in the conference room today."

_How could he be concerned about that? Having seen him snap, that was far from snapping. _"You know he's not going to, because that's irrelevant to how you've been on this case."

He shrugged, eating. "One of the cops saw my wrist, asked if it was a work related injury."

_Note to self, find said cop and kick his ass. _"What did you say?"

"That it was, and JJ changed the subject so there weren't any more questions."

"Do you need to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Not this time." He set his tray down, walking over to the bed and digging through his bag. "I'm going to take a quick shower. Do you mind if-"

Derek shook his head. "As long as you need it, you can have the other half of the bed."

Spencer smiled slightly, walking into the bathroom, closing the door.

* * *

What they didn't know was that JJ was in the room beside theirs, ear pressed against the wall.

Emily looked over at her, tray in hand. "You're horrible, you know that, right?"

JJ put a finger to her lips, whispering. "There is obviously something going on between them. I mean _come on_."

"You're worse than Garcia. Reid needs his privacy and you're totally invading it."

JJ shook her head. "_Nobody_ is worse than Garcia. She's probably finding a way to hack into hotel security footage and see them together."

"That wouldn't surprise me."

JJ gasped, looking over at Emily. "They're sharing a _bed_, Em."

"Yeah, probably because Reid can't stand the thought of being alone right now."

She shook her head, pressing her ear against the wall. "He's going to shower and then they're going to _bed_ together, Em."

Emily rolled her eyes. "In case you've forgotten, Reid hasn't spent more than what, a half hour alone since it happened? Derek's just keeping him company, let it go."

Derek heard talking on the other side of the wall and listened in. He knew that JJ was in the room beside them, and figured she had been eavesdropping with Emily in the room. He shook his head and walked over, hitting his fist against the wall. "Good night, ladies. Keep it down in there."

Emily smirked. "Busted."

* * *

When they first started sharing a bed, Spencer would sleep on one edge while Derek would take the other. As time went on, they moved closer and closer together. Tonight, Spencer curled up beside Derek, and Derek wrapped his arm around him, rubbing his arm.

"You're an asset to this team, Spencer. No matter what you want to think."

Spencer sighed. "We'll see if you're still saying that when this case is done. I haven't quite helped find the unsub yet."

Derek shook his head, squeezing his arm. "You're doing fine, and you're going to help find him, because that's what you do."

Spencer rested his head against Derek's chest. "I hope so."

Derek smirked. "I don't _hope_. I know so."

The next morning, Derek woke up to Spencer having a tight grip around him. He noticed that Spencer was awake and watched as he sat up, stretching on the bed. He couldn't help but smirk, looking up at him. "Morning, Pretty Boy."

Spencer blushed slightly. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged slightly. "I'm not." He got up and without another word, grabbing his clothes and walking to the bathroom, turning on the shower.

They made it to the precinct within a half hour and Derek sat in the conference room, looking at the evidence board. He looked over and saw Spencer fidgeting.

"Okay over there, kid?" he asked.

He bit his lip, nodding, taking his phone out of his pocket. "I um, I forgot to reschedule with my therapist and don't want her to get upset with me."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "She's not going to be upset. I'm sure she understands it's part of the job."

He shook his head. "I um, I have to call her. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Before he could say another word, Spencer took off to an empty office, closing the door behind him.

_Well, it's good to know that some things never change – he's still the same old Spencer, though he could definitely do without some of those nerves._

* * *

JJ walked into the conference room, trays of coffee in hand. "Hotch and Rossi are giving the profile. Where's Spence?"

Morgan pointed to the office Spencer holed himself in. "On the phone with his therapist."

"Is everything okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm assuming so?" He grabbed his coffee, taking a sip. "Said that he felt guilty for not telling her he was leaving the state."

"Same old Spence," she said, sipping her own coffee.

He smirked. "So, what exactly did you hear last night?"

She shrugged. "Enough."

He rolled his eyes, leaning back. "You know you're crazy, right?"

She shrugged. "Too much time with Garcia."

When Spencer came back into the conference room, JJ looked up at him, holding out his coffee cup. "Okay, Spence?"

He took the cup, nodding. "Sorry, I forgot to reschedule before I left."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Is that all?"

"Later," was all Spencer said, before sipping his coffee and looking back at the evidence board.

_Later? He's definitely going to unwind. Maybe you should bust out a bottle of wine for this one, sounds serious._

* * *

Hotch walked in, putting a picture on the board. "We have a missing person reported last night. If the unsub keeps up the trend, he only has another 24 hours."

Spencer sighed, sitting on the table and calling Garcia, putting her on speaker.

"Spencer Reid, I was just about to call you. Spooky."

He smiled slightly. "Do you have anything from that search for yesterday?"

"That I do. I just sent a list of eight names to your tablets, all experienced with the blade of a barber."

Derek looked down at his tablet, looking at the list. "Garcia, do you have backgrounds on these men?"

"Patience, my sweets. Five of your guys are squeaky clean. I'm talking more sweet and innocent than Dorothy Gale clean."

"Garcia," Hotch warned.

"Right, sorry. Kansas jokes for later. The full backgrounds of the three bad boys are on your tablets, I hope you find your Sweeney Todd. Is there anything else I can look up for you?"

Spencer thought for a minute. "Look up the inverse of the abductee's address, see if there are any possible dump sites based on what we've found. The unsub can't be killing them far from where he dumps their bodies."

Garcia plugged her ears. "I can't hear you. I will research that and I will get back to you ASAP."

He hung up the phone, swinging his legs over the side of the table. He looked at the map, and right above at the pictures of the first three victims. "There has to be a connection. Did Garcia check their schools or any programs?"

"Came up empty," Emily said. "They all went to different colleges, scattered across the U.S. They didn't play any similar sports or join clubs."

"What about fraternities?"

JJ looked at the picture Spencer was focused on – the victim had a tattoo of three Greek letters.

"Fraternities aren't limited to one college campus. There are national chapters, meaning that they could be connected without even knowing it."

_Fraternities? We definitely wouldn't have come to that conclusion without him._

Rossi took out his phone, calling Garcia.

"At your service, Italian stallion."

"Garcia, were our victims in fraternities?"

"Fraternities, he says," she started, typing on her computer, "why in the world didn't I consider fraternities? I am researching your question and the answer to it is – YES. All three of our dearly departed were in different chapters of the same fraternity, and our latest missing was in it his senior year of college. Who do I have to thank for making my job easier?"

"That would be Reid," Emily said, looking over at him. He smiled slightly, staring at the table.

"Pen, can you cross-reference that fraternity with our list of potentials?"

"Consider it done, my blonde little badass." They heard her typing and waited for a response.

"Garcia?" Spencer asked.

"Fret not, Boy Wonder! I have found our bad boy unsub, he goes by the name Alex Harrison. He pledged for the fraternity, didn't get in, then dropped out of college and before you ask, yes his address is currently on your tablets, and he is smack dab in the middle of the comfort zone."

"Did you find out the inverse address?"

"That I did, 187. Also on its way to you as we're speaking."

Hotch looked up at the team. "Morgan and Prentiss, take the home address, Dave and I will take the other address. Good work, Reid."

He smiled slightly, satisfied with himself. Derek turned to him. "We couldn't have done that without you, Pretty Boy."

He shrugged, still looking proud. "I'm just glad I could help."

* * *

Spencer was back at the hotel, stuffing his things into his go-bag.

"Do you want to talk now?" Derek asked, walking in and packing his own bags.

Spencer shook his head. "Can we go for a run when we get back? We can talk after that."

"Yeah, no problem. You do realize you did a great job and there's no possible way that Strauss can turn this against you, right?"

Spencer zipped up his bag, sighing. "I'm sure if she wants to, she'll find a way."

"And you'll have Hotch right there, defending you. He's not going to let anything happen, and neither is the rest of this team."

He shrugged. "We'll see what happens when we get back to Quantico."

After they arrived home and finished the necessary paperwork, Spencer immediately wanted to go for a run. They went back to the apartment and changed, running in the park. At first, Spencer remained silent, caught up in his thoughts. When Derek passed him, he shook his head, catching up.

"I thought it wasn't a race anymore?" Derek asked.

He smiled slightly. "It is when you try to beat me."

Derek sat on a park bench. "Two options. The apartment's a few blocks from here. You can beat me right now, or we can talk."

Spencer thought about it, but took the seat beside Derek.

"What do you want to talk about?"

He sighed, taking a deep breath. "To be completely honest, being on that case terrified me."

"You? Terrified?"

He shrugged. "It's true. I looked at the photos of the victims and I started panicking. I got really nervous and I realized that if someone hadn't checked on me, I'd be dead like they are. I guess I just… after I started getting involved in the case and putting so much work into it, I realized how absolutely idiotic I was for trying to do that to myself in the first place."

Derek wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back. "You weren't idiotic. You were in a bad place, and you're working your way out of it."

He wiped his eyes. "I had a flashback," he admitted, looking down at his lap. "When I discovered the difference in the blade cuts. I flashed back to sitting in the bathtub and looking down at my wrist." He screwed his eyes shut, sighing. "I was conscious when you found me, Derek. I could hear everything. I remember the whole thing. It goes through my head whenever I think about what I did, and I can't apologize enough."

Derek shook his head, wrapping his arms around him, rubbing his back. "You don't need to apologize anymore."

"But-"

Derek reached up, putting a hand over his mouth. "No 'but's. You have nothing to be sorry for. We've all been in a dark place before, and it makes us stronger than what we were. You need to remember that."

Spencer pushed the hand off of his mouth. "Derek Morgan, that is not a successful way to quiet somebody who's rambling. You could just find a polite way to shut me up."

He smirked, laughing softly. "It's the one guaranteed way to keep you quiet."

Spencer rolled his eyes, jumping up off the bench. "Thanks for the pep talk. Now if you don't mind? I've started keeping score again, and you're losing."

He gasped, watching as Spencer took off, running down the pathway. Sure enough, he'd beaten him back to the apartment – again.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been three weeks since Spencer's incident, and once again, Spencer found a way to beat him on the morning run, information he would never divulge to the rest of the team. He was in the shower while Spencer was writing in his journal. He let the water beat against his back, taking some time to think.

_He hasn't had a nightmare in three weeks, and he's been talking to you every day. Hopefully he can keep it up._

_Either that or he's getting sick of you and your company, he's only humoring you._

_No, it's definitely the former – he enjoys it. _

_Yeah, we'll see._

He groaned, getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around himself, walking to his bedroom and getting dressed for the day.

* * *

A few minutes later, he walked down the hallway, peeking into the guest room. Spencer was stuffing his things into his satchel, getting himself ready to leave.

"Going somewhere, Pretty Boy?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Spencer jumped slightly, closing his satchel. Derek had to admit, it was hard to hold back a laugh. "I'm going out with JJ for a while. Giving you a bit of privacy for a change. I didn't think you'd mind."

He raised an eyebrow, looking over at him. "Is everything okay?"

Spencer nodded slightly, sighing. "I just, I need somebody else's perspective on something. You're a great help, I promise, I just need new ears to listen to me."

_See, Derek? He's trying to get away from you._"I get it. Do you need a ride?"

Spencer shook his head, shouldering his bag. "She's on her way to pick me up." He tucked his phone in his pocket, walking out and sitting in the living room. Derek tried making his way into the living room to sit with him while he waited, but Clooney beat him to it, jumping up and taking up the rest of the couch.

* * *

Once JJ parked in front of the building, Spencer peeked out the window and got up, much to the dismay of Clooney.

"I'm not sure if you're going to be here when I get back… is there a spare key?"

Derek thought back to when Garcia researched possible tools for suicide, and distinctly remembered house keys as one of them. "I'll be here, don't worry about it."

Spencer nodded slightly, walking out.

_He seemed bummed out – way to make him feel like an outcast again._

He sighed, lying back on the couch, running a hand over his face.

He wasn't sure what to do with the peace and quiet. For the last three weeks, he'd always had company in the house – always had someone to talk to and spend his time with. Now that he was by himself, it was definitely awkward. He turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, hoping to find something that would keep his attention and get his mind off of everything.

* * *

He'd dozed off on the couch and was woken up when his phone started ringing. He reached in his pocket, pulling it out. Seeing that it was Garcia, he quickly answered, not wanting to get on her bad side.

"Hey, Baby Girl," he answered, leaning back on the couch.

"Hey yourself, hot stuff. How's your Saturday?"

He shrugged. "Not too bad. Beat Pretty Boy on the run today."

"I thought you weren't keeping score."

"Who keeps score when they're losing?"

"Touché. Where is our little 187 today?"

He ran a hand over his face, resisting the urge to yawn. "He went out with JJ, said he needed somebody else to talk to."

"Is everything okay? How's he doing?"

"He's fine. He's sticking to his schedule, he's taking his medication, he's writing in his journal and talking about his emotions… this is the first time in three weeks I'm not worried about him going back to that dark place."

"When I talked to him yesterday, he said that you were keeping his nightmares away. Kudos, how'd you manage that?"

He internally groaned, realizing he'd finally have to tell her about this. "This doesn't leave this conversation, you hear me?"

"You have my word."

"He's been in my bed. He says the safety of it and knowing that I'm right there is what keeps him from going back into his mind and having nightmares."

"Is that okay with you?"

He shrugged, sighing. "I don't mind it. I can see he's having a tough time and if that's what it takes to get him through? Then the empty half of my bed is all his."

"You're… there for him, right?"

"As much as he'll let me be. If I see he needs it, I'll pull him aside for a conversation or have him write in his journals if he can't talk to me."

"Impressive. Do you miss your old life at all?"

"What, casual one night stands that become awkward conversations if I run into them in the grocery store? _Definitely_ not."

She laughed softly. "Is somebody smitten?"

He rolled his eyes. "Goodbye, Penelope." He hung up, tucking his phone in his pocket.

_If Garcia knows, I definitely need to tone it down a little bit. The last thing I need is her running around with this information and possibly scaring the kid off._

* * *

A while later there was a knock on the door and Clooney started barking. Derek rolled his eyes, pointing a finger at him. "Cut it out."

The dog backed up into his dog bed, curling up. When Derek opened the door, Clooney saw it was Spencer and followed him to the guest room, jumping up on the bed.

"…Did you have a good time with JJ?" he called after him.

Spencer set his bags down and walked to the living room, sitting on the couch. "I did." Derek watched as Clooney got Spencer's attention, letting him help him up on the couch, and scratching behind his ears. "No offense meant to you, but I needed a new set of ears."

He shrugged. "None taken. What's with the bags?" he asked, motioning toward the guest room.

Spencer sighed. "I stopped by the apartment to bring a few things over. I hope it's okay."

Derek raised his eyebrows, impressed. "You went into the apartment again?"

"Yeah, I… I couldn't keep living out of a bag here, so I grabbed a few more things: some clothes, books, some empty journals…"

Derek sat beside him, rubbing his back softly. "How'd you do?"

"I panicked," he admitted. "I had a panic attack in the bathroom, but JJ calmed me down."

"Did going back there help?"

He considered it, then nodded. "I think it's what I needed to do, to finally come to terms with what I did."

"Do you think you'll ever go back?"

He shook his head instantaneously. "The one time I see myself going back there is to pack up my things and leave. That place is never going to be home to me again."

"What is home?"

Spencer chewed on his lip, finally speaking up. "Here, with you."

Derek had to admit, that answer felt good, but it still took him by surprise when he said it. He looked up at him, confused. "_Here_ is home?"

Spencer swallowed, putting his feet up on the couch, tucking them underneath himself. "I've felt more at home with three and a half weeks here than I ever did in ten years at my old apartment." He pulled his arms into his sweater, sighing. "If-if that's not okay, I can go. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

_Derek, don't say anything stupid. _"Are you comfortable here?"

He nodded slightly, looking down at his lap.

"Do you think you'll be ready to be on your own again anytime soon?"

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "I-I can't. I don't… I can't trust myself to be on my own again."

Derek thought about his words carefully. _Don't scare him away, just say something to reassure him that this is a good decision. _"Then I _guess_ I have my first roommate." _Nice one._

Spencer's head snapped up. "Really?"

"I have the space, most of your things are already in the guest room, you're _great_ with Clooney which is a huge plus, and you know your way around. If you're not going to be ready to go back there, you shouldn't be forced to. When you're ready, we can go back, pack it up, and make it so you never have to go back there again."

"You mean it?"

"Splitting the rent and groceries, and still having my running partner? It sounds like a plan to me."

At that moment, Derek saw the first real smile that Spencer had given him in a long time. "Thank you."

"On one condition."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Sure, anything."

"You slow down on the runs and actually let me win for a change."

Spencer laughed softly. "Could be a deal breaker."

Derek smirked to himself, glad to see that Spencer was so comfortable with him that he was able to joke around, something he saw rarely.

* * *

On the one month anniversary of Spencer's attempt, after they took their morning run, Derek decided to make Spencer breakfast, to hopefully make the day easier for him. Unsurprisingly, the smell of coffee got Spencer out to the kitchen in no time.

Derek shook his head, setting a cup in front of him. "You're like a police dog – you can sniff out what you're looking for in no time."

Spencer shrugged, putting his sugar in and stirring. He took a big sip and put a thumb up, silently thanking him.

Derek smirked, setting a plate in front of him. "I'm not sure what you like, but I figured pancakes were a safe bet."

He nodded, cutting into them. "I um, I'm sorry to do this but I need a ride before work."

He raised an eyebrow. "Sure, where?"

He bit down on his lip. "My therapist. I just… I feel like I need to talk to her, and-"

Derek shook his head, putting his hand up. "Say no more, what time's your appointment?"

"9:00 a.m., but if you want to drop me off and go to work, I'll understand."

He shook his head again. "I'll be there, no problem."

"Thank you."

"Anytime." Derek looked down at his wrist and saw his wrist without the stitches. He was definitely proud of Spencer for making it this far without thinking about going there again.


	8. Chapter 8

Later in the week, Derek sat in his office when his phone started ringing. He raised an eyebrow and answered it.

"Derek Morgan."

"Wow, sweetheart, you sound so official."

He smirked, leaning back in his seat. "Hello to you too, Momma. How's everything back home?"

"Great! Everything's all set for this weekend."

_This weekend? Shit, Derek Morgan, you did not forget about your mother's birthday. You have to fix this, you have to go – damnit, you can't leave Spencer. Not after all of the progress he's made. Who knows what would happen?_

"Yeah, Momma, I can't make it this year. I'm just really swamped with work and I don't have anyone to watch Clooney. I'll come later this year, I promise."

She sighed. "Derek, it's only one weekend. Can't you find somebody to cover for a few days? I haven't seen you in a year… but I understand if you can't."

The guilt was heavy in his gut, but he wouldn't show it. "My roommate's just really going through a tough time right now, and being here just seems like a good idea."

Derek felt the phone rip out of his hands and looked up at Spencer. "What are you doing, Pretty Boy?" he asked, confused.

Spencer leaned against his desk. "Hi, Mrs. Morgan, it's Spencer, from Derek's team? Right, sorry, I'll call you Fran. You're right, Mrs. Morgan is a name for an old lady." Derek bit down on his lip to keep himself from laughing. "Sorry about that. Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, but I can make you a promise. I'll have all of the loose ends tied up for Derek and he'll be on his flight, you'll see him Friday night." He smiled slightly. "Yeah, Spencer his roommate. I'm fine, thanks. I'll give you back to your son." Spencer put his hand over the phone, handing it back to him. "You're welcome."

"Yeah, Mom, I guess I'll see you on Friday. Love you too." He hung up, looking at Spencer. "What was that about?"

"Every year you look forward to going home to Chicago for your mother's birthday. I'm not going to be the reason you miss it and feel guilty all weekend. I have enough emotions going through my head without adding overwhelming guilt to the list."

He tried to find a reason to stay home with Spencer, not wanting to cause him any discomfort. "What about you? Are you going to be able to spend time alone?"

He saw Spencer freeze, but immediately snap out of it. "I can learn to be. And if not, I can see if someone on the team can take me in for a few days. I know how much family matters to you, Derek. Can you please just go and enjoy yourself?"

Derek thought to himself, wondering who on the team could take him in for a few days at a time like this. He could ask Hotch, but he already struggles to spend time with Jack as it is. He could ask Rossi, but the last thing he needed was a call from Spencer in the middle of the night when he was drunk on scotch after listening to Sinatra all night. He considered Emily, but then thought that Clooney wouldn't get along well with Sergio in the apartment. He thought about JJ, but then remembered how much Will wanted to spend time with her while he could. Finally, he came to a conclusion, putting up a finger, and dialing Garcia.

"Jane Foster at your service, my wonderful delicious chocolate Thor."

He shook his head. "You're on speakerphone and I have Reid in here."

"What, Loki can join in on the fun."

Spencer blushed, sinking into the chair in front of Derek's desk.

Derek smirked. "I need a favor from you, Baby Girl."

"Sure, anything. Though I was really just kidding about the whole threesome thing. If I get you, I'm keeping you all for myself."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Are you up to anything this weekend?"

"Kevin's sick, so I'm free as a bird. What can I do for you?"

Spencer sighed and spoke up before Derek could, much to his surprise. "Can Clooney and I stay with you this weekend? Derek's flying home and I'm not quite ready to stay by myself. If you can't, I understand and I'll ask somebody else."

"Sleepover with 187? Oh _hells_ yes! I'll bust out the Doctor Who DVDs, it'll be a grand old time."

Spencer smiled slightly. "Do you mean it?"

"I never kid about anything Whovian. Bring your bags with you on Friday and I'll drop you off at your _new_ place on Sunday after Derek gets back."

Derek shook his head. "Nothing's going on, Baby Girl."

"Whatever you need to say to get you through. Love you both, over and out!"

She hung up the phone and Derek looked up at him. "You're sure you can handle this?"

Spencer chewed on his cheek. "There's only one way to find out."

* * *

Friday morning, they were packing their separate bags for their trips. Derek finished packing his bag and put Clooney's things into another one.

"Derek, do you have my pills?" Spencer called out, stuffing his journal into his bag as he walked out of the guest room.

"I already gave them to Garcia, I didn't think you'd mind."

He shrugged. "I don't, I guess."

"Are you still going for a run while I'm gone?" Derek asked, zipping up his bag.

Spencer nodded. "I'm not sure there are many places around Garcia's apartment for it, but it's part of my schedule. I can't just stop doing it now."

"If you need me at all this weekend, you can call me."

"I'll try not to need you. I promise. Enjoy the time with your mom. Garcia said we'll pick up Clooney on the way home from work, so I'll have him to keep me company."

Derek sighed, looking over at him. "Are you sure-"

"Derek, you need to get away from all of this. You deserve an opportunity to enjoy yourself. Please stop doubting yourself and go."

Derek sighed, grabbing his keys off the counter. "Do you need anything else?"

"I have it all."

On the drive to the garage, Derek reached over, patting Spencer's hand. "You sure you're okay?"

He nodded wordlessly.

"I know you want me to get this out of my head, but if you need me for anything, don't hesitate to call."

Spencer swallowed, nodding. "I know, thank you."

He pulled into his spot in the garage and saw Garcia waiting at her car. Derek got out, picking up Spencer's bag with his books, while Spencer grabbed his duffel bag.

"Ready for our slumber party, Boy Wonder?" Garcia asked cheerfully.

Spencer smiled slightly, walking over as she opened her trunk. "You know me. I'm a party animal." He threw his duffel bag in. "Do you want to walk in together?"

"I just need to bid farewell to my sweet prince. Meet me at the front door?"

He nodded, giving her a quick wave before walking toward the stairs.

Garcia turned to Derek. "What, no goodbye? No hugs? Nothing for your roomie?"

He shook his head. "He doesn't want to say it, and I'm not forcing it. Now, his pills?"

"One in the morning after his run, and one at night before bed."

"Knives?"

"All locked away in a cabinet, along with medications, spare keys, and kitchen utensils."

"Where's he going to sleep?"

She closed her trunk. "I have the pull-out already made up for him with extra pillows."

"And when he's in the shower?"

"Check in every ten minutes."

"Anywhere to run around your apartment?"

"Already put together his route. Now will you stop acting like a paranoid boyfriend? I'm totally going to start spreading rumors."

He smiled, kissing her forehead. "If anything happens, give me a call."

"I promise. Now go enjoy your time home. It sure as hell beats anything here."

_Not exactly anything. _"Just don't leave him alone too long, okay?"

"You have my word."

He nodded, walking over to his car and getting back in.

* * *

While he was on the plane, he leaned back in his seat with his headphones on. He tried to get his mind off of everything back home and get in a mindset to enjoy his time home. He'd love being around his mother, and even his pain in the ass sisters, but wasn't sure he was quite ready to leave Spencer behind on his own.

_Derek, you're being ridiculous. You're roommates, nothing more than that. You need to stop thinking about him and just get it out of your head. _

He sighed, turning up the music in his headphones, closing his eyes and trying to relax. With his mind nagging him, this was no easy task.

When he landed in Chicago, he took a taxi to his mother's house. Seeing her car in the driveway, he smiled to himself, shouldering his bag and walking up the front steps, walking inside. He walked up to his childhood bedroom, setting his bag down, noting that his mother hadn't changed anything.

"Derek? Is that you?"

He smirked, walking downstairs, wrapping his arms around his mother.

She hugged him, patting his back. "It's so good to see you."

He kissed the top of her head. "I missed you, Mom."

* * *

Later that afternoon, his sisters came over and after dinner, they sat down to have cake.

"So, Derek, Mom says you have yourself a _male_ roommate," Sarah said, cutting into the cake and setting the pieces on plates.

"What's his name?" Desiree asked. "Is he cute? Can I give his number to Sarah?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Yes, I have a roommate, and no, you can't date him."

"Mom, tell him he has to be nice and share."

Fran shook her head. "Your brother doesn't have to share anything he doesn't want to."

"Since you must know, little miss busybodies, you've met him before, and I'm pretty sure you're not his type."

Sarah went through her head. "Is it somebody on your team?"

"Mhm," he said, eating.

Desiree wrinkled her nose. "Ew, not one of the old guys."

Derek looked up at her. "One's a father and the other took off on the team, so no, not 'one of the old guys'."

"Was it that other one, the teacher's assistant?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Teacher's assistant?"

"The tall kid with the glasses who looked like he belonged in a library," Desiree explained. "You used to talk about him all the time." She snapped her fingers, looking at her sister. "What's his name? It starts with an S."

"Oh, right, Derek never shut up about him when he talked about the team. Stuart? Shawn? Sydney?"

She shook her head. "No, it was something else… Spencer! It's Spencer, right? Though you called him by his last name."

Desiree hit her hand down on the table. "It's Spencer Reid, isn't it?"

He nodded, setting his fork down. "Your point?"

"You're shacking up with the nerd?"

"Sarah!" Fran snapped.

"I'm just curious!"

Derek rolled his eyes again. "I'm not 'shacking up' with him. He was going through a tough time, he needed a place to stay, I had an empty bedroom. That's all there is to it."

"What sort of tough time?" Desiree asked.

"The tough time of mind your business."

"Does he still have that jacket? The one that makes him look like a professor, with the elbow patches?"

He rolled his eyes. "I haven't seen it, but I'll tell you what, I'll ask him."

* * *

After the cake was taken care of and his sisters had left, he enjoyed some alone time with his mother. For some reason, he always felt better after talking to her.

"So," she said, sitting beside him on the couch, "tell me about this roommate of yours."

He shrugged. "There isn't much to tell. He's a private person, likes to keep to his own unless he feels a need to talk. He went through a tough time and didn't have anybody to turn to-"

She gasped. "He doesn't have any family?"

He shook his head. "The team is his family. We're all there for him as much as we can be, but he's taken a real liking to me." He screwed his eyes shut, sighing, remembering what led up to Spencer's attachment to him.

"Derek, honey?"

He sighed. "He's going through a lot, and I'm trying to be there for him."

She reached over, rubbing his back. "Do you talk to him?"

"On the morning run, over coffee, and a few times after work."

"Does it seem to be helping?" she asked, running a hand over his head.

He nodded. "He calms down a lot after talking to me, and he feels better every time. Not to mention that writing in his journals is his own brand of therapy, and that seems to work better than anything."

She smiled. "Then you're being an amazing friend to him, Derek." She saw the look on his face. "…But you want something more than friends from him. You have for a while."

He looked up at her. "How could you possibly know that? Don't tell me you passed on profiling skills in the genetics."

She shook her head, kissing his forehead. "A mother can always tell."

He sighed. "So what do I do?"

"You take it easy. All you have to do is ease your way into it, don't rush anything, or he'll panic."

He bit down on his lip. "How long have you known, you know, about-?"

"I always knew, honey. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't love my son for his sexuality?"

He smiled slightly, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into a hug.

"And not a word to your sisters, I promise."

* * *

That night, Derek didn't fall asleep easily. He had to admit, he was far too used to the little space heater that curled up under the blankets on his bed. Instead, he stared up at the ceiling in his room, finally drifting to sleep. Not long after, he heard his phone ringing. He sighed and reached over, checking the caller ID on the phone. Seeing that it was Spencer, he didn't hesitate to answer, even in his half asleep state.

"Hey, Pretty Boy," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "You doing okay?"

He was surprised to hear not Spencer, but Garcia's nurturing voice. "He could really use your help, Derek. Sweetie, Derek's on the phone."

He heard a shuffle for the phone and then Spencer's soft voice, sobbing. "I'm sorry," he said between breaths. "I'm really sorry."

"Don't sweat it." Derek sat up in bed, putting a pillow behind his back. "What's wrong?"

"They came back, worse than they were before."

He thought to himself. "Are you having a panic attack?"

"Mhm."

"Take a deep breath for me, Pretty Boy. Can you do that?"

Spencer took a deep breath, exhaling. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be apologizing for. Did you take your medication before bed?"

"Both pills, I promise."

"Do you have Clooney with you?"

"He's right here, thinking he's a tiny lap dog."

Derek smiled slightly. "He has a habit of that, you should be used to it by now. Do you need to talk about it?"

"I did it again. I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't. You dreamed you did, and those are two completely different things. Right now, do you have a desire to do it?"

"Of course not, I wouldn't do that again."

"Then stop apologizing."

"I'm sorry… sorry, last time."

"Is Garcia there?"

"Mhm, right here."

"She's going to calm you down, okay? She's going to help and I'll be back on Sunday."

Spencer sighed."Okay. Thank you."

"Anytime. Now put Garcia on."

* * *

She took the phone. "Hey, what can I do?"

"I need you to talk to him. Let him know this isn't his fault. You just need to calm him down and get him in a mindset that everything's going to be okay. Remind him that he can go for a run in the morning, clear his head of all of this. After he gets back from his run, have him write down in his journal, get all of his feelings out. Don't interrupt him while he's doing it."

"Yeah, okay, no problem."

"After he does that, he's going to want to talk. He doesn't want you to respond, he just wants you to listen. If you see him looking at his scar, remind him of the progress he's made and that he's here for a reason. If he needs to cry, don't tell him it's okay and he'll be fine. Just let him cry it out, be there for him."

"Anything else?"

He thought for a minute. "If he doesn't go down easy, turn on some soft music. Usually humming calms him down, but it's a good alternative. Can you do all that for me, Baby Girl?"

"Of course. If you think of anything else, let me know."

"Will do. Give me an update tomorrow?"

"Long distance pinky swear."

He smirked and hung up the phone, lying back on his bed. He'd have to check on Spencer in the morning and be sure he'd calmed down.

* * *

He was glad to spend the entire weekend at home with his mother, and even took her out to dinner a few nights to thank her for all of the conversations they had. He was able to open up to her more than anybody else on the team, even Spencer. She knew him better than he knew himself, and it was extremely helpful to talk to somebody about everything he was feeling. When it was time to leave on Sunday, he zipped up his bags and walked downstairs.

"Sweetie, if you need to talk about anything-"

He smiled. "You're a phone call away, no matter what."

"And, if anything _does_ happen between you and Spencer." He groaned and she gave him a look. "Let me finish. If anything _does_ happen between you and Spencer, be sure to let him know he has family here. He doesn't just have his team. Anyone who matters to my son matters to me."

"He'll really appreciate that."

"Anybody's welcome into the Morgan family," she reminded him, holding out her arms. "Now come here."

He walked over, pulling her into a hug. "I'm going to miss you, Momma."

She smiled, rubbing his back. "I'll miss you too, Derek. Don't be a stranger."

* * *

After his plane landed, he didn't go home first – he drove right to Garcia's apartment building. He walked up the stairs, stopping at her door and knocking. He heard Clooney barking on the other side of the door and couldn't help but feel happy.

He heard Spencer whistling at him inside. "Clooney, come here."

He heard the dog run away and Garcia walked to the door, opening it. "Welcome back, tall, dark, and gorgeous."

He smiled, kissing her forehead. "Nice to see you too, Baby Girl." He peeked in the apartment. "Where's Spencer?"

"He ended up going for a second run today, so he's taking a quick shower."

He raised his eyebrow. "Second run? Everything okay?"

She lowered her voice, leaning against the wall. "He talked a _lot _this weekend. Much more than I expected. I think he just needs to relax a little bit."

"But he's okay?"

She nodded. "He was really open and seemed genuinely happy most of the time. He wrote in his journals a bit and the nightmares came back. I think having you back is just what he needs right now."

"But he hasn't gotten worse?"

"On the contrary, I think talking and running so much was a huge help. He's definitely not ready to sleep on his own, but this morning? I was able to leave him alone in the apartment for 20 minutes when I needed to take a run to the corner store, and he only called _once_ to ask when I'd be back. I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

"Considering I couldn't even leave him alone before I left? You're a miracle worker, Baby Girl."

She smirked. "Well, I try."

* * *

When the shower stopped, Garcia turned to him. "Be careful with him, okay? He's more fragile than you think."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did he tell you something?"

"He did, but I'm sworn to secrecy. If he wants you to know, I'm sure he'll tell you. Can you just trust me on this one?"'

"Yeah, no problem. Is it something I should be worried about?"

She quickly shook her head. "Nothing that sticks up a red flag, no. Just be gentle."

"I promise."

Spencer walked out of the bathroom, running a towel through his hair. "Garcia, I used some of your shampoo, I hope you don't mind."

She smirked. "Not at all."

"Who was at the door?" he asked, brushing through his hair and wincing.

"Hey, Pretty Boy," Derek said, grabbing his pills off the counter and putting the bottles in his pocket.

Spencer tossed the hairbrush into the bag. "How was Chicago?"

"Good… my mom sends her well wishes your way, and my sisters want to know if you're still wearing that jacket with the elbow pads that makes you look like a college professor."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "Tell your sisters that jacket doesn't exist anymore, and tell your mother thank you. You didn't-"

He shook his head. "She just knows you were going through a tough time and wants the best for you."

He smiled slightly, shouldering his bags. "Like I said, thank her for me."

"So what's in the plans for you two today?" Garcia asked, turning toward Derek.

"I'm probably going home and crashing on my bed for a while, and I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Garcia walked over, wrapping her arms around Spencer, hugging him. "Enjoy having your cuddle buddy back tonight. I'm here if you need to talk."

He rested his chin on her shoulder. "Thank you for everything."

She patted his back. "Anytime."

Derek smirked, taking his keys out of his pocket and picking up Clooney, walking out.


	9. Chapter 9

The ride back to their apartment was quiet, except for the excited whimpers of Clooney in the backseat. When Derek parked, Spencer got out, grabbing his bags and walking upstairs, waiting for Derek to open the door for him. Once inside, Derek watched as he threw his bags down in his room, and Derek walked to his room, kicking off his shoes and laying down on his bed. He had to admit, nothing felt better than being home.

He was perfectly content and felt the bed shifting. He didn't even question it as Spencer curled up beside him, making himself comfortable. He smiled, running a hand through his hair. "Hey there, Pretty Boy," he said sleepily.

"Does your mother know?"

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Does my mother know what?"

He sighed. "That you're bisexual and sharing a bed with another man?"

"Bise-" Derek looked down at him. "How did you know that?"

He felt Spencer hesitate. "You've never been with a woman more than a night, but I've been here for nearly 40 days and you haven't kicked me out of bed once. No man is that comfortable with another man in his bed for _that_ long-"

Derek laughed softly. "What happened to our moratorium on inner-team profiling?"

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was, I just, I've been around you pretty much non-stop for over a month and I figured it'd be okay if I made an assumption and I'm just going to not talk."

Derek shook his head, smiling. "She's known about my sexuality for years, and she's more than happy that I'm happy with it, but she doesn't know about _this _yet. It was her birthday; I didn't need to give her a heart attack."

Spencer sighed, closing his eyes. "Thank you again for doing this for me, Derek. And letting me bother you when my nightmares came back. You're really good at keeping them away."

_Bother? Oh, please. _"I'm glad I can do that for you, Pretty Boy."

* * *

They fell asleep easily, and were woken up a few hours later by Clooney jumping on the bed, stepping all over them and licking their faces.

Derek felt Spencer whining and felt him burrow against his chest. "Is there anything on this planet worse than being woken up with dog breath?"

"Don't think so," he mumbled, sitting up. "Want to go out, buddy?"

When Clooney's response was running around excitedly and jumping off the bed, Derek sighed, getting off the bed. While putting on his shoes, Spencer pulled the blankets over his head, groaning.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Nuh uh, if I'm getting up, so are you."

Spencer shook his head. "It's not in the roommate agreement."

Derek raised an eyebrow. _What the hell is he talking about? _"We don't _have _a roommate agreement."

"I'll write one. Rule number 1: Spencer gets to sleep when Derek has to get up and walk Clooney."

Derek rolled his eyes again, clipping Clooney's leash on. "I'll be back in ten. Get up, I'm taking you out of the house."

"And if I don't?" Spencer asked against his pillow.

"Clooney here gets to wake you up. Again."

Spencer groaned. "_Fine_."

* * *

While walking Clooney, Derek thought to himself of different ways he could get Spencer to relax after spending a weekend away from him. He finally came to the conclusion and smirked, proud of himself. He walked back inside and saw Spencer getting ready in his room.

"Ready to go, Pretty Boy?"

Spencer got up, shouldering his bag and walking out.

He laughed softly, shaking his head. "You're not going to need that," he said, pointing to his bag.

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Why not? We're going for a drive, aren't we?"

"Get your wallet and cell phone, put them in your pocket, and set the bag down."

Spencer dug through his bag, taking out his things and stuffing them into his pockets.

"Now put this on," Derek said, holding out a motorcycle helmet to him. He definitely didn't anticipate the reaction of Spencer's eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

"We're going on your _motorcycle_? Derek Morgan, you do realize that in 2010 alone, there were 3,615 reported motorcycle deaths in the United States? Not to mention there were 104,000 motorcycles involved in accidents in the year 2006. They're the most dangerous motor vehicles to drive and are in accidents at a rate of 35 per 100 million miles traveled."

_Statistics? Really? I've been riding a motorcycle longer than I've known this kid, he should really have some faith in me. _"We're only going about 20 miles, I think I'll take my chances."

"I realize after attempts you're supposed to seize the day and try new things, but can't you just sign me up for a cooking class or something?"

Derek looked at him incredulously, knowing exactly what to say to persuade him. "Don't you trust me?"

"What? Yeah, of course. I've put my life in your hands countless times on the job and you've been the one person who protected me most since my attempt…"

He held out the helmet again. "Then let's go."

Spencer begrudgingly took the helmet, putting it on his head and fastening the strap. "You're the _devil_, Derek Morgan. I'll get my revenge. You always say that paybacks are a bitch."

"We'll see."

* * *

Spencer pulled on his jacket, following him outside.

He got on the bike, straddling it and looked back at Spencer, who eyed it nervously. "Get on."

Spencer took a few steps toward the bike. "…How?"

Derek laughed to himself. _He's a genius and could figure out any puzzle, but he can't get on a bike? Putting this in the books. _"You used to ride a bike around school, didn't you?"

Spencer groaned. "Yes, but that didn't have a motor, travel at a rate of up to 100 miles per hour, or have a possibility of killing me. I have a renewed sense of living, Derek, and I don't want to die."

Derek rolled his eyes. _Way to have faith in me, Pretty Boy._ "Just get on and wrap your arms around me. I won't let anything happen."

Spencer put the helmet on his head, straddling the bike and wrapping his arms around Derek's waist. "I hate you."

"We'll see if you're still saying that in a bit."

When Derek turned on the motorcycle, Spencer jumped, tightening the grip around his waist.

Derek smirked. "I thought you said you trusted me."

"I do. I don't trust other drivers not to attempt to run us over."

He shook his head. "Just hold on tight and keep that helmet on."

"Derek, I can barely hear you. How are we supposed to talk?"

"This isn't about talking. It's about relaxing. Now shh."

Spencer sighed, resting his head against Derek's shoulder as he took off. Derek smiled, shaking his head slightly at Spencer's grip on him.

As the ride went on, Derek could feel Spencer loosening his grip, growing more comfortable with it. He smiled to himself as he took a corner and Spencer clung to him for dear life.

"I know what I'm doing, Pretty Boy. I'm not going to let anything happen."

Spencer sighed, nodding slightly. "After this? You are not getting me out of the apartment for _anything_. This fulfills my adventures quota for the year. Possibly the next two years."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm not even going that fast."

Spencer glanced over his shoulder. "Not that fast? You're going 58 in a 35, Derek!"

Derek glanced down at the speedometer and shook his head, slowing down.

* * *

When they got back to the apartment, Spencer made a beeline for his room, grabbing his journal from one of his bags and sitting on his bed, writing. While Spencer kept himself occupied, Derek unpacked his bags from the weekend.

_You actually got him to go out on the motorcycle and relax for a while. It actually worked._

Spencer walked into the living room a while later, journal in hand.

Derek looked up. "Everything okay, Pretty Boy?"

He nodded. "My therapist wants me to share my inner most feelings, even if it's not with her. You're the one person I've been able to trust with everything, I just need your word that this is completely judgment free."

He raised an eyebrow. _Why would I judge him?_ "Of course."

Spencer bit down on his lip, holding the journal out to him. "I want you to read it. It's everything I haven't been able to say out loud. I trust you enough to know that you're not going to hold any of it against me. If you want to talk about anything in there, I'm more than willing."

Derek took the journal, glancing at him. _He can't be serious. This is the most personal he could get, and he's really going to let me read this? _"You're sure about this? This is like reading someone's diary…"

"Yeah, I just need to get it all out there, and I can't exactly _say_ it all without getting upset, but it's all in there, I promise."

He flipped through the book, noting how much was written in there. "Do you want to stay out here while I read this, or-"

Spencer put up a finger, walking to his room and coming back with several books, setting them down on the table and sitting in the armchair.

Derek shook his head. "Is that enough to keep you occupied?"

"We're going to find out." He picked up one of the books, opening it.

* * *

Derek read his journal, being sure to get every single word. There was so much in here that Spencer had never told him, and he knew he could never really vocalize to anybody, probably even his therapist. He could feel himself getting upset, but didn't let it show. That's not what Spencer wanted. He wanted him to finally get a full understanding of what he did and what he was feeling.

He reached one part and put in a piece of paper to mark his page. _He wants you to ask questions. He wants you to be curious and ask about things that jump out._ "Pretty Boy?"

Spencer looked up, closing his own book. "Hm?"

"…Who's Keith?"

He saw Spencer getting visibly upset and immediately regretted his decision to ask.

"If you don't want to tell me, it's fine. You don't have to."

Spencer shook his head, swallowing. "I did this for a reason." He shifted slightly in the chair, trying to get comfortable. "Keith was my first, and only, boyfriend. When I was dating him was back when my thoughts about suicide started."

_First AND only? How much of a dick was this guy? _"…Did it end that badly?"

He sighed. "We were great together at first, but six months before we broke up, he started turning to alcohol instead of talking through his problems. He'd get really angry with me, no matter what I'd do or say, and he'd hit me. A lot. I left him behind in Vegas when I came here for FBI training, and I never heard from him again. Someone back home updated me not too long ago that he was arrested for assault."

Derek could feel the rage boiling inside of him, wanting to find this guy and tear him a new one. "He started this?"

He nodded slightly. "He's what made my self-worth so low in the beginning at the BAU, and he's why I started doubting myself and doubting anyone giving a damn about me." He pulled his arms into his sleeves, closing his eyes. "He knew about my mother and tried to tell me I was just crazy like her, and nobody would believe me if I accused him of assault."

"Did you ever?" _Please tell me you did. Please tell me you put this bastard in his place._

He shook his head. "He really knew how to get into my head, and make me feel like his word was law. I couldn't find it in me to tell anyone or walk away. That's why I was so eager to get into the FBI early. I got away from him and that's all I wanted."

"Does anybody else know about him?"

"Nobody back home knows what he did, but I ended up telling Garcia this weekend. Not to this extent, though." He bit down on his lip. "You're the first person to _really_ know about him."

Spencer got up, walking over and sitting beside Derek. He could feel how uncomfortable Spencer was and wanted to help him as much as he could.

"You didn't mention a last name," Derek said, looking up at him.

He pulled his knees up to his chest. "There's a reason for that. I didn't even give Garcia a _first_ name, because I don't want anyone I care about to end up in jail for hunting that bastard down and giving him what he deserves. He'll get his eventually, and I don't want to lose someone that matters to me because of _him_."

Derek looked at the journal. This one part broke Spencer down, and he wasn't sure he wanted to go on. "I don't have to keep doing this."

"You don't have to – I want you to," he whispered, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"You're sure?"

He nodded slightly, and the rest of that night was spent with Spencer answering any questions that Derek came up with.

* * *

When they went to bed that night, Spencer curled up beside him, resting his head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around Derek, seeming much more relaxed than he had been. Derek smiled, rubbing his back.

_Maybe this was just what he needed – the last step to finally opening himself up completely. _"Thanks for sharing all of that with me, Pretty Boy."

Spencer bit his lip. "Thanks for caring enough to want to know that much about me. I just hope you're not going to judge me too harshly because of it."

He ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "Do you know how strong you are?"

Spencer shrugged against him. "I have a scar on my wrist that begs to differ."

Derek shook his head. _Of course he'd go right there. _"You've overcome way too much to not be a strong person. Your dad leaving, your mom being sick, being bullied, an abusive relationship, and everything you've gone through since joining the BAU? You survived all of it. You're strong and you matter."

Spencer smiled slightly. "You mean it?"

_Why would I say it if I didn't mean it? _"Of course."

Spencer exhaled, and Derek felt him tensing up. "Hey, Derek?"

He looked down at him. "What's up, kid?"

What happened next caught Derek by complete surprise, though he had to say he didn't mind it one bit. Spencer tilted his head up, capturing Derek's lips with his. Derek had never felt so much relief and bliss in his life. This proved to him that this wasn't just stupid feelings, and it meant something to both of them.

Derek reached up, lacing a hand in Spencer's hair, pulling him in closer. When Derek felt something wet against his cheek, he pulled back, looking at him. "…Pretty Boy, I'm sorry. What's wrong?"

Spencer shook his head, wiping his eyes. "Shh." He leaned in, kissing him again. "I don't want to talk," he started, between kisses. "I just need this."

Derek smiled, respecting his wishes. He kept his grip on the back of Spencer's neck, making this last as long as he could. They only stopped when Clooney ran in, jumping on the bed and nudging their heads with his.

Spencer pulled back and panted slightly, smiling. "That either means 'it took you two long enough' or 'you two are grossing me out."

Derek smirked. "Let's go with the former." He scratched Clooney behind the ears. "Don't worry, buddy, you're still my number one."

Spencer laid back down and reached over, scratching Clooney's stomach. "There we go."

Clooney finally gave them space a few minutes later, curling up at the foot of the bed and falling asleep, snoring softly.

* * *

Shortly after, Derek had to stop his thought process and looked down at Spencer, hoping to get some answers. "Pretty Boy?"

"Hm?" Spencer asked tiredly.

He rolled his eyes. "Nuh uh. There is _no_ way you get to use that lip action and then go to sleep."

Spencer opened his eyes and looked up at him. "What do you want to know?"

"…What just happened?"

"Well," he started, yawning, "you told me how strong I am, and explained every detail, I asked if you meant it, you said 'of course', and then I kissed you…and that's probably the last thing you wanted. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll just go to my room and stop bothering you, I'm sorry."

Spencer pushed himself up, attempting to get off the bed. Derek shook his head, grabbing his arm and pulling him back down.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

He sat up, wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist, pulling him in closer. "You did not do anything wrong, and you're not bothering me, you hear me?"

"But-"

"But nothing."

He sighed. "I shouldn't have done it."

_Is he serious right now?_ "Did you see me telling you no?"

"No, but-"

"Did I pull back or act disgusted?"

"No, but that could've been you being nice."

"Have you been in my bed for the last month and a half?"

"Yes?"

"And have you talked to me every single night since then?"

"Of course, you're the one person I'm most comfortable with-"

"Have I ever mentioned _anything_ about you being a bother or an inconvenience?"

"Not out loud-"

Derek cut him off. "Have I?"

Spencer quickly shook his head.

"Then what's the problem?"

Spencer chewed on his lip, trying to avoid his eyes. "We're roommates and co-workers. Roommates and co-workers shouldn't be kissing. That's crossing a major line, not to mention the trouble we'd be in at work, considering we just had an anti-fraternization lecture last week. We should also factor in that I'm in a highly emotional mindset right now and shouldn't have even been thinking about doing it, let alone _actually_ doing it. Then there's-"

Derek shook his head, leaning over and kissing him again. When Spencer didn't pull back, he took it as a victory. "After eight and a half years, I've finally found your mute button, Pretty Boy. Definitely remembering that one."

"So, you're _not_ disgusted by me?"

"I would never be."

"…And you didn't mind it."

He couldn't help but smirk. "…Does it look like I did?"

Spencer smiled slightly, laying back down and curling up beside him.

* * *

Derek sighed, running a hand through Spencer's hair. He had been so open and honest with him today that he felt the need to return the favor. There was part of his past he wasn't proud of, and felt as if Spencer deserved to know for all he'd done for him. "You know, you're not the only one with skeletons in your closet, Spencer. You may have had yours aired out without wanting to, but I promise you, you're not alone."

Spencer raised an eyebrow, looking up at him. "What?"

This was going to be painful, but he had to let Spencer know he wasn't alone in his thoughts. "Everyone has had a 'Keith' in their life, whether it was an ex, someone you thought you trusted, someone you cared about – there's always somebody that's found a way to screw you over and turn you into a completely different person than you'd like to be."

"What would you know about it?" Spencer asked.

Derek sighed. He could tell Spencer wasn't trying to insult him. "Carl Buford, Spencer."

"The owner of the community center that murdered children and we caught him five years ago… what about him?"

Derek rubbed his back, squeezing his arm. "He was mine. He drew me in, he let me trust him, he promised me the world: athletic scholarships and a career in the NFL if I'd listened to him. What kid was going to pass that up? So, I did anything and everything to impress him and make him proud of me. He'd let me drink with him, watch R-rated movies, and pretty much do whatever I wanted when I was in his company." Derek bit down on his lip, trying his best to keep his composure. "He would 'help' me, and he'd tell me no matter what he did, it was to further my career and make myself better."

"He was a pedophilic serial killer," Spencer butt in. Derek could tell he finally caught on to what he was telling him. "Derek…"

He swallowed, looking down at him. "He made me what I am, Spencer. Everything he put me through, everything I had to get over? He shaped me. He made me want to become an FBI agent and get people like him." He squeezed Spencer's arm again. "I want you to remember that. We've all been through hell and back, and you're never alone."

Derek hadn't realized he was crying until Spencer reached up, wiping a tear from his cheek. "If you ever need to talk about it, or anything, I'm here… I mean, you've done it enough for me, it's the least I could do."

Derek smiled slightly, kissing his forehead. "Thanks, Pretty Boy." It was somewhat of a relief to finally have it out there to somebody, and know that Spencer would keep it a secret.

* * *

"Derek?" Spencer asked, shortly before dozing off.

Derek ran a hand through Spencer's hair, exhausted from the day's events. "What is it, Spencer?"

"…What are we?"

He contemplated the question, wondering if he could give the answer Spencer was looking for. "Well," Derek started, stretching slightly. "I'd say that _just_ roommates and co-workers is totally out the window at this point."

"_Obviously_."

He rubbed Spencer's back, humming softly. "I guess, I don't know. Friends with benefits doesn't seem very fitting, considering we haven't gone _there_ yet."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Friends with benefits? What's that? We have health insurance through work, along with dental. Those benefits?"

Derek bit down on his lip to hold in his laughter. "Sorry, I forgot how naïve you are about today's realities. Friends with benefits is another way to say friends who hook up-" he saw the confused look on Spencer's face and tried again. "Two people who know each other, and share a bed in a much different way than we are."

He saw Spencer come to the realization. "_Oh_. Yeah, definitely not that."

"You've been in a dark place, and I don't want to say something that will put you in an uncomfortable position, so I guess it's up to you. What do _you_ think we are?"

"Well, I think that we were co-workers, we're now roommates, and we're both horrible at determining _anything_, so we should just play it by ear and let things happen as they will."

"…Did you just apply logic to you mauling me with your lips?"

Spencer blushed, burying his head in Derek's chest. "Good night, Derek."

After Spencer had fallen asleep, Derek looked down at him. It was hard for him to believe the progress that Spencer had made over the last month and a half, and incredible to see where he was right now. He knew Spencer had his demons, everyone did, and was glad he could be the one to fix them.

"And Derek?" Spencer mumbled against his chest, barely awake.

"What is it, Spencer?"

He yawned, curling closer and pulling up the blankets. "We are _not_ telling anyone at work what happened. Garcia would have a field day with photoshop."

He laughed softly. "I'm with you on that one. My lips are sealed."


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning on the run, Spencer brought up the idea of going to see his therapist. Derek thought this was a good idea, considering the weekend had been so emotional. Not only had he opened himself up to Garcia, but his nightmares had come back and he completely opened himself up to Derek. After his shower, Derek waited for Spencer, taking out his phone and calling Rossi.

"Do _not_ tell me there's a case at 8:00 on a Monday."

Derek smirked, shaking his head. "Luckily, no. I didn't want to bother Hotch, because he has his morning routine with Jack. I just wanted to let you know I'm taking Spencer to see his therapist, so we're going to be a little late today."

"Take all the time you need."

"I don't think Hotch would appreciate that generosity, but thank you."

"He wouldn't? Please, Derek, he has the biggest soft spot for that kid. And I thought yours was bad."

He laughed softly. "I'll see you once we get in." He hung up as Spencer walked out of the guest room. "Ready to go?"

He nodded, shouldering his bag. "Who was that?"

"Rossi, I let him know that we were going to be in later than usual."

"Is it a problem, because we could go in and I could push my appointment back to where it was, it's no big deal, really. So long as I'm not inconven-"

Derek shook his head, leaning in and capturing Spencer's lips with his. He smiled to himself when Spencer jumped slightly, then seemed to melt into it.

Spencer pulled back, looking up at him. "…What was I saying?"

"Nothing important. Now let's get going."

* * *

When they walked into the office, Derek made himself comfortable in a chair, browsing the magazines on the table.

"You know, you could bring a book with you or something, so you don't have to resort to reading waiting room periodicals."

"What, and miss out on this week's rousing issue of People magazine? Then I'll _never_ learn the secrets of this season's Bachelor!"

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Sarcasm?"

"You bet." He leaned back in the chair, picking up the magazine and flipping through as Spencer walked inside.

A while later, Derek heard the door opening. He was somewhat surprised when he saw it had only been thirty-six minutes of the hour. He glanced up at Spencer, who was chewing on his lip nervously.

"Derek, could you come in here?"

_He's talking about me to his therapist? Wow, I hope it's good – Derek, stop being an idiot!_ He raised an eyebrow, setting the magazine down and following Spencer into the room, closing the door behind him. He took the seat beside Spencer and looked over at his doctor.

"Spencer tells me he owes most of his progress to you."

_Me? Please, this kid wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for his own personal strength. _"He sells himself short," he started, looking over at Spencer and holding out his hand. "He's a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for."

Spencer smiled slightly. "Derek's help is what's made me open up so much. Without everything he's done, I wouldn't be where I am today. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even _be_ here today if it wasn't for everything he did for me." He took Derek's hand, squeezing it., and Derek quickly squeezed it back "Thank you."

_Thank me? Please, Pretty Boy. I should be thanking you for everything you've done for me without meaning to. _

"Is there a relationship here?" she asked, looking between the two.

Spencer bit down on his lip. "We don't really have a label for it. We were co-workers and roommates, but it's blossomed into more than that. I don't want to put a name on it and then have something happen. But we're taking it slow, and we don't want our team to know, so I'd appreciate if this stayed out of any of the forms you're sending to my superior at work."

She nodded. "Of course." She turned to Derek. "You do understand he's extremely fragile?"

_Obviously._ "That I do."

"And he's going to be dependent?"

_Really? I hadn't noticed, considering we've cuddled every single night since he started living in my apartment. _"I understand completely."

After a few more questions, she turned to Spencer. "You've chosen an incredible ally here, Spencer. Congratulations on your progress. I'll see you next week?"

Thank you, and yes."

* * *

On the drive over, Derek thought to himself. Spencer was talking about a lot of things in therapy, but how much he talked about him was significant enough for his therapist to want to meet him. He mattered to Spencer more than he'd thought, and couldn't believe he wanted to thank him so much for his progress.

"Derek, to steal your phrase, I can hear you thinking all the way over here."

He smirked. "Sorry, Pretty Boy." He parked the car, turning to him. "You really talk about me to your doctor?"

"Well, yeah. She asks me about my allies and wants to know about my personal growth. Obviously you've been there for me more than anybody else, and, well, you matter more than everyone else."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He saw Spencer smile and start to blush. "I just mean that-"

"I get it." He took the key out of the ignition, unbuckling himself and putting it into his pocket.

Before they got out, Spencer leaned over, kissing Derek softly. "Thank you… for everything."

Derek ran a hand through Spencer's hair, smiling. "I've said it before, I'll say it again. Anything for you, Pretty Boy."

Spencer kissed his cheek and they walked inside. After the elevator stopped on their floor, Derek gave Spencer one last look before walking to his office. This weekend had definitely been a step in the right direction.

* * *

A few months later, Derek saw a definite change in Spencer. He was finally in a place where he was able to spend time on his own without needing somebody to check in on him every few minutes. He let him take trips to the gym and didn't call every ten minutes, just like clockwork. Spencer was also letting Derek read his journals, discussing anything he wanted. In the last month, Derek had redecorated Spencer's room. Since he had no use for a bed, he added bookshelves and a desk to make it more comfortable. He downgraded to a twin sized bed, even though he only ever used it to sit down and write in his journals, or when he needed a few minutes to himself to relax.

One morning, after the run, Derek made a list to go grocery shopping.

"Do you need anything at the store?" he asked, pacing around the kitchen. Spencer looked up, and before he could even open his mouth, Derek spoke again. "Coffee's already on the list."

Spencer blushed, shrugging. "What time are you going to be back?"

He looked up at the clock. "Should be back within an hour."

He nodded, biting his lip. "I'll be in my room, writing."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little light-headed from the run, probably should've eaten something first. I'm going to have some breakfast and probably lay down for a while."

Derek stuck the list in his pocket. "If you need anything or need me to come home, I'm a phone call away."

Spencer bit his lip. "I can do it. I'll be fine."

"You're sure?"

He nodded, getting up and looking through the cabinets.

He grabbed his keys, walking toward the door. "Last chance, if you need anything-"

"I'll call you. Now go." Spencer took a box of cereal out of the cabinet. "Really, I'm fine."

Something in his gut told him not to leave him, but he didn't want to make Spencer feel like a victim. Instead, he walked out, closing the door behind him.

* * *

He had to admit, he was impressed. He had been gone for over an hour and Spencer hadn't called him once. _He's trying to prove to you he can do this. You need to have more faith in him. _He had something special planned, and only hoped Spencer would go along with it.

As he pulled up to the apartment, he took the key out, grabbing all of the bags in one sweep and walking upstairs. He walked in, putting his keys on the hook and setting the bags down on the table. "Spencer?"

When he was greeted by silence, he had to admit, he was a little bit panicked. He walked to the bedrooms, only greeted by emptiness. He heard a slamming sound coming from the kitchen and followed the noise. He saw Spencer sitting on the ground, tugging as hard as he could on the locked cabinet, where he kept the knives and his pills. _Way to go, you idiot. You left him alone too long._

He sat beside Spencer, pulling him into his arms. "Spencer, calm down."

Spencer shook his head, sniffing, pulling on the cabinet. "It needs to stop, Derek."

Derek ran a hand through his hair, rubbing his back. "Spencer, take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?"

He shook his head again. "Derek, I can't."

He took Spencer's arms, pulling them against his body. Finally Spencer stopped, burying his head in Derek's shoulder, crying his heart out. Derek closed his eyes, sighing, rubbing his back and rocking him gently. "I'm here, calm down. You can overcome this, I know you can."

Spencer tried catching his breath, sighing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Derek looked up at the clock and silently cursed himself: he'd been out so long that he'd forgotten to give Spencer his pills. _Nice one, dumbass. You really fucked up this time. _"This is my fault, Pretty Boy. Can you go sit in the living room? Can you do that for me?"

Spencer nodded slightly, pushing himself up, walking to the living room and curling up on the couch. Meanwhile, Derek opened the cabinet, taking out his pills, taking one from each container and closing it back up. He walked to the living room, sitting in front of Spencer, handing him the pills. "This isn't your fault at all, Spencer, it's mine. I should've remembered and I didn't."

He sighed, putting them in his mouth, swallowing. "I'm sorry. I needed my pills, Derek. I'm sorry."

Derek kissed the top of his head. "You didn't do this, stop apologizing. I'm supposed to remember and I didn't keep track of time."

Spencer wiped his eyes, biting his lip and lowering his voice. "You left a knife in the dishwasher, Derek, if I'd wanted to do it, I could've."

"But you didn't," Derek said, sitting beside him on the couch, rubbing his back. "That's what matters."

Spencer sat up, leaning back and resting his head on his chest. Derek smiled to himself, running a hand through his hair. "I'm having a bad day," he admitted, playing with the fabric on Derek's shirt.

He thought to himself, wondering what he could do to fix his mistake. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Spencer nodded, grabbing the blanket off the couch and pulling it over himself, telling Derek everything he could possibly think of that was bothering him. Derek idly ran a hand through his hair, listening intently to every word he said.

* * *

When he finally finished, Spencer leaned against him, sighing. Derek felt as if a weight was off Spencer's shoulders and he was finally relaxed.

Derek kissed his forehead. "I think I know what you need."

"A straitjacket?" Spencer suggested, looking up at him.

Derek rolled his eyes, shaking his head and flicking his nose. "You need to get out of the house."

"Derek, there is _no_ way you are getting me back on that motorcycle. Adventure quota is filled for life after that one experience."

_Yeah, like I'd ever be able to get him back on that thing. _He shook his head, rubbing Spencer's arm. "You need to let loose. I think I have to take you on a date."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "A what?"

_Did I stutter? _"I need to get you out of this house, and you need to enjoy yourself. What do you say?"

Spencer chewed on his lip. "What happens on a date?"

_Does he really not know what happens on a date? Poor kid. _He kissed his forehead. "We eat, we talk, and then we play it by ear. If you want to do anything else, we can."

Spencer smiled slightly. "I think that sounds like a great idea."

Derek patted his arm. "Go get dressed, we're leaving in 20."

Spencer nodded, pushing himself off the couch. "…The team isn't going to find out, are they?"

"I'm not telling them."

He watched as Spencer walked to their bedroom, digging through his drawers.

"Hey, Derek?"

"Yeah, Pretty Boy?" Derek called back, looking through the kitchen and putting away the groceries, also packing a basket.

"What does one _wear_ on a date?"

Derek bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. _He can't be serious. _"Whatever you're comfortable in. Most people wear jeans, but do you even own a pair of those?"

"Yes, _Derek_, I own jeans."

Derek shook his head, packing up a picnic basket. He then grabbed Clooney's leash, whistling. "Come on, buddy, you're coming with us."

Spencer walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later, much more casual than Derek has ever seen him. He had on a plaid shirt, what he was sure was his only pair of jeans, and his Converse. Derek had to admit, it was a good look for the young genius.

"What?" Spencer asked, pulling on his jacket.

Derek shrugged. "Nothing, you're looking very… comfortable."

"Thank you? Why's Clooney on his leash?"

"He's tagging along."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Where are we going?"

"The park."

Spencer smiled, taking the leash and wrapping it around his hand. "Sounds good to me."

"I can take him, you don't have to-"

He shook his head. "It's fine. I don't mind the little guy, and he walks at a human pace, unlike you, who seems to be part Kenyan and rush to the finish line of wherever we're going."

* * *

When they arrived at the park, Derek set a blanket down and put down the basket. He patted the spot beside him and Spencer smiled, sitting down and resting his head on his shoulder.

"Spencer, is this your first date?" Derek asked, unpacking the basket.

Spencer nodded slightly. "Keith never wanted to be seen in public with me." Clooney climbed into his lap and he rubbed his back. "So I'm not sure how this is supposed to go."

_I get the honors of being his first date? This is definitely going to get interesting. _"Well," he started, holding out a container to him, "like I said, we eat, and we talk like we usually do. I know you're not comfortable being around a lot of people, so I figured a nice, quiet setting like the park would be good for you."

Spencer sat up, opening his container and grabbing a fork. "What did you make us?"

"Took notes on one of Rossi's cooking lessons, made some pasta. Also made a salad, and I suck at making dessert, so I picked up some fruit at the store."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "You planned this before you even got home, didn't you?"

_You are so totally busted. _"Guilty."

* * *

Once they finished eating, Derek dug around in the picnic basket, taking out a Frisbee and unleashing Clooney, tossing it. "Go get it!" He saw Clooney run off and laid back on the blanket. He couldn't help but smile when Spencer followed, lying beside him and resting his head on his chest, pulling down his sunglasses. He looked down at Spencer. "So, Pretty Boy, how did I do?"

Spencer shrugged. "Okay I _guess_."

Derek faked pain, putting a hand over his heart.

Spencer smirked. "You _really_ want to know?"

_I really like that look on his face. _"Yeah, I do."

Derek felt Spencer's weight shift on the blanket, and an arm wrapping around his neck. When it was accompanied by a kiss, he was quick to comply.

Clooney chose that very moment to run up and trample all over them and Spencer sighed, pulling back. "It's like having a child – always interrupting the good times."

"Oh, so _that_ was a good time?" Derek asked, taking the Frisbee from his mouth.

Spencer blushed, burying his head in Derek's shoulder. "Shut up."

Derek laughed softly, throwing the disc more forcefully this time. "And now we have a few minutes to ourselves." He lifted Spencer's chin up, kissing him softly.

Spencer smiled to himself, moving closer to Derek. "You know, I think I like this dating thing," he whispered to him between kisses.

Derek reached down, wrapping an arm around his waist, pulling him against him. Whoever this Keith bastard was, he was a complete idiot, because Spencer Reid was an absolute animal.

* * *

"Well, well," they heard and Spencer pulled back, groaning. They looked up and saw JJ standing there, arms crossed, "what do we have here?" _Derek Morgan, you are __**so**_ _busted right now._

Spencer buried his head in Derek's shoulder, sighing. "Make her go away."

Derek smiled, rubbing his back. "I think that means 'what are you doing here'?"

"I brought Henry to the park because Will's at work and he saw Clooney running around, wanted me to find his daddy. Little did I know, he was currently making out with Henry's godfather."

Henry ran over, Clooney behind him. He sat down beside Spencer, poking him. "Hi, Spen!"

Spencer sighed, rolling over to face him. "Hey there, buddy." He said, sitting up. "How about we go play with Clooney and let mommy talk to Uncle Derek?"

Derek gave him a look. _He can't be serious. He's going to leave me to talk about this with one of our coworkers? _"You're not _really_ stranding me here."

"Yep," he said, popping the 'p', letting Henry climb on his shoulders and walking away.

* * *

Derek internally groaned as JJ smiled, taking the seat Spencer just had on the blanket. "So, you two…"

Derek pushed himself up on his elbows, looking up at her. "Yes?"

"How long has this been a _thing_?" she asked, pulling her knees up, wrapping her arms around them.

He shrugged. "A month after his attempt was the first interaction-"

"Oh, you mean the first _kiss_."

He shot her a look. She definitely wasn't going to make this easy on him. "Do you want to know or not?"

She put her hands up. "Sorry, continue."

"And we talked about it, and we decided we weren't going to put a label on whatever _this_ is. We were just going with the flow and wherever it led, we followed."

"Has anything happened?"

He shook his head. "We're still in the same bed, but nothing's happened. This right here was actually a first date."

She gasped. "You planned a romantic picnic in the park?" She nudged his arm. "Derek Morgan, you romantic!"

He smiled, shrugging. "He seemed to enjoy it, until somebody showed up."

She gasped. "Oh, you mean… wow, this is incredibly awkward."

He nodded. "Just a bit."

* * *

"So," JJ started, "is anything going to happen?"

He shrugged. "I really don't know. I don't want to do anything and erase all the progress he's made over the past four months, so I'm leaving it up to him."

"Derek, I see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him. I looked at Will the same way. I just, I need your word that you can protect him like you have been."

_Damn, it's that obvious? We really need to tone it down. _"I promise." He looked over and saw Spencer running around, playing tag with Henry. "He has his moments, but I don't think he's going back there. I mean, look how happy he is right now, running around with his godson. These are the moments he's going to keep in the back of his head, so when those moments do happen? He can remember it and not feel so alone."

She smiled at the look on Spencer's face. "You really think he's getting better?"

"We all have anxiety, and moments of self-doubt. I don't think he's ever going to outgrow the nightmares or the panic attacks, but as long as he has his good memories and his family to lean on? I don't think he has it in him to go back to that dark place anymore."

"Are you guys telling the team?"

_Shit, we need to tell the team? _He quickly shook his head. "With how much they're strapping down on anti-fraternization? We're going to keep it under wraps as much as possible until the time comes when we're both ready for it to be out there."

"Well, I promise, my lips are sealed." He gave her a look. "Yes, even to Garcia."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Don't think we don't appreciate it."

* * *

Spencer walked over, squatting down and letting Henry climb off his shoulders while Clooney curled up at Derek's feet.

JJ pulled Henry into her lap. "Did you have fun with your Uncle Spen and Clooney?"

He nodded. "A lot."

Spencer smiled, taking a seat beside Derek, kissing him softly.

Derek rubbed his back. "Just what the doctor ordered?"

He nodded, resting a head on Derek's shoulder. "Definitely."

JJ picked up Henry. "We'll get out of your hair. See you at work tomorrow?"

Spencer smirked. "Of course. Bye, Henry."

Henry waved to them. "Bye, Uncle Derek! Bye, Uncle Spen! Bye, Cooney!"

As they walked away, Derek turned to him. "Not exactly a _normal_ first date. Sorry about that."

Spencer laughed softly, which caught him by surprise. "Derek, what's _normal_ in our lives?"

"Good point."


	11. Chapter 11

A couple months later, Spencer was at a point where he was no longer on probation on the job. He was able to check out crime scenes, usually with Derek, and spend time alone whenever he wanted or needed. Derek had to admit, it was nice to have Spencer back on the job, and have him in a place where he was happy.

After a case that took its emotional toll on everyone, they all went home, ready to forget everything that happened. When they went back to the apartment, Derek held up a wine bottle to Spencer. "Want a glass?"

Spencer nodded, taking a seat on the couch. "Please."

He poured two glasses, walking out to the living room and setting them down on the table, groaning.

Spencer grabbed his glass, sipping it and sighing.

"Job never goes easy on us, does it?" Derek asked, taking a sip. The case had lasted five days, and it was a family annihilator. Those cases always sucked, but something about this one in particular hit everybody hard.

Spencer shook his head, tucking his feet under himself and leaning against Derek. "Unfortunately not."

He wrapped an arm around him, kissing his forehead. "Do you need to talk?"

"I'm okay."

He rubbed his arm. "You sure? It was your first case back looking at crime scenes firsthand, if you need to get anything out-"

"I don't, but thank you." He tilted his head up, kissing Derek's cheek. "I appreciate it."

Derek smiled slightly, running a hand through Spencer's hair as he sipped his wine. "So, Pretty Boy, what do you want to do tonight?"

"Pick a movie, we'll watch it."

_He's going to let __**me **__pick a movie? He usually hates my taste, and anything I pick puts him to sleep. _He raised an eyebrow. "You're going to let _me_ choose?"

"I trust your judgment to pick something to keep me awake."

Derek got up and looked through his movies. He saw a few and smirked to himself, grabbing them off the shelf. He grabbed one, putting it in the player and taking his seat.

Spencer topped off their glasses. "So, what did you pick?"

"Something I think you're going to enjoy."

Spencer groaned. "Can't you just tell me?"

"You'll see in a minute, now stop whining."

Spencer mimicked him, pulling the blanket over himself and resting his head on Derek's chest.

* * *

While the title screen was playing, Spencer gasped.

He smirked. "Lord of the Rings fan, Pretty Boy?"

"Derek Morgan, I _love_ you."

Derek's mind froze. He never imagined Spencer saying that word, especially to him. Sure, he'd wanted it, but he never really expected it to happen. _What the hell do I say to that? Did he even mean to say it? It has to be a mistake. _"You what?"

His eyes widened, realizing what he'd just said. "I- I um… I just… I said…"

Derek smiled. _And now he's going to babble like an idiot, slashing his IQ in half, trying to cover his tracks. _He shook his head, tilting Spencer's chin up and kissing him softly. "I love you too, Spencer Reid," he whispered.

Spencer smirked, blushing, taking another sip of his wine. "Really?"

He kissed his forehead. "Really."

* * *

The rest of their afternoon and night was spent watching all three of the movies. Derek looked down during the second movie and saw that Spencer had dozed off. This wasn't surprising, considering he usually did during movies, but he sort of hoped he'd be able to stay awake for this one. Rather than waking him, he rubbed his back, enjoying the rest of the movie. He had to admit, it wasn't quite the same watching it without Spencer adding in his little facts and tidbits about the comparison between the book and the films. Though there weren't many inconsistencies, he still had his own commentary to add.

Spencer yawned against his chest, and his ears perked up at the current scene, narrating along with the film. "Come on, Mister Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

Derek laughed softly. _Look who's awake. _"Well, hello there, sleepyhead. How is it possible you can sleep through a Lord of the Rings film?"

Spencer blinked, looking up at him. "It's three movies of wandering Middle Earth, Derek. As much as I love Tolkien's work, they lose me when Aragorn goes off the cliff. It never fails."

Derek smirked, rubbing his arm. "We can go to bed, we don't have to stay up and finish it."

Spencer shook his head. "Nonsense, it's almost over, and we're coming up on the best part!"

He thought back on the last time he watched the movie, attempting a guess. "What, when they go off on the ship in the end?"

Spencer rolled his eyes, patting his cheek. "No, the moment when Aragorn is crowned king and he tells the hobbits they bow to no one, and the entire kingdom bows to them. It's my favorite part."

"Why, the smug look on the little dude's face?"

Spencer faked pain, gasping. "You are _so_ lucky you're cute."

* * *

That night, Spencer offered to take Clooney for his final walk. Rather than argue with him, Derek let him take the time alone, guessing that he really needed it. He heard the front door lock and the sound of Spencer kicking his shoes off, the shoes hitting the wall. When Spencer walked into the bedroom, he immediately laid back on the bed without a word. Derek moved closer, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his forehead.

"Something wrong, Pretty Boy?"

Spencer shook his head. "Everything's fine." Derek gave him a look. _Should you buy it?_ "Really, I promise. I'd talk to you if something was wrong."

He ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "So, you're up to bi-weekly appointments with your therapist."

He smiled slightly. "This next appointment she says if I've made progress, I only need to go once a month. Considering how much has happened in the last six months, I'm optimistic."

Derek kissed his forehead, rubbing his arm. "As well you should be."

"About what I said on the couch-"

_Shit, he didn't mean it. _"Are you taking it back?"

"What? No!"

"Did you mean it?" _For the love of god, please say yes._

"Every word, and not just because you put in one of my favorite movies."

He laughed softly. "Then you have nothing to explain to me. You meant it, I meant it, I fail to see why we need to discuss it."

* * *

Spencer bit down on his lip. "Hey, Derek…"

"Hm?"

"When do we tell the team?"

_I knew this day would come. _He rubbed his back as Spencer leaned in, resting his head on his chest. "Whenever we feel like it's a safe time, and neither us nor the team will be penalized for it."

He nodded in agreement. "Think we can keep the secret a little bit longer?"

"I have faith in us." He kissed his forehead again. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, and you can ask me something else."

He smirked. "Have you had any thoughts, you know, in the past few months?"

Spencer shook his head. "As long as I'm surrounded by people, it reassures me that I'm not alone, and that I can overcome any thoughts that even think of popping up."

"You know, I'm proud of you."

Spencer smiled to himself, pulling the blankets up and curling up against him. "I'm proud of me too. I owe it all to you."

"Don't sell yourself short. You owe a lot of your progress to yourself."

Spencer shrugged. "Whatever the case, I wouldn't be where I am today without your help. I never have to set foot in that apartment again. It's sold off to some college kid who can have a lot better memories there than I did."

"So, you're not leaving here anytime soon?"

Spencer glanced up at him. "What, trying to get rid of me?"

_Hell no._ "Oh, _definitely_ not. I've got you now, Spencer Reid, and I'm not letting you go."

"Good, because I'm not going to let you."

* * *

Hotch had given everybody the next day off of work to collect themselves, and none of them minded. Derek was in the living room on his laptop while Spencer sat in his room, reading.

"Hey, Mom. I see you finally figured out how to work Skype."

She smirked. "I have to admit, your little sister was a great help."

"I'm not the least bit surprised."

"Watch it, Derek Morgan. You may be full grown, but that won't stop me from grounding you the second you set foot in this house."

He laughed softly, looking toward the guest room. "Mom, there's someone I'd like you to meet… well, again."

"Oh?"

He glanced up from his laptop. "Hey, Pretty Boy, come out here for a minute."

Spencer groaned. "Just let me finish this chapter!" he called out.

"Momma, do you have thirty seconds?"

"Derek, it's not going to take that long, don't be ridiculous. I can wait a few minu-"

Spencer closed his book, walking out to the kitchen and looking down at the screen. "Hello, Fran."

She smiled. "Well, hello, Spencer. It's nice to see you again."

He took the seat beside Derek and Derek wrapped a hand around his waist. "It's good to see you too."

Derek turned to Spencer, then back to the screen. "I know you've already met, but Mom, meet Spencer… my boyfriend."

He could feel Spencer's nerves and rubbed his arm. He wasn't quite expecting the reaction he got. His mother clapped a hand over her mouth. "Derek Morgan, that took you way too long!"

He smiled, squeezing Spencer's arm. "Sorry about that, blame him."

Spencer gasped. "Blame _me_?! Derek Morgan, it's your fault! You're quite obviously the alpha in the relationship, it was your responsibility."

"Oh, so now I'm getting the full name from _both_ of you?"

"Derek, I already like him."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course, and Sarah and Desi are going to approve because he scolds me."

Spencer shrugged. "…Maybe you shouldn't be so easy to scold."

Fran smiled. "You know what this means, Spencer?"

He shook his head, confused. "I'm sorry, I don't."

"You're with my son, which means you are now a member of the Morgan family."

Derek saw that Spencer was speechless, unsure of how to react. "Wow, I… thank you?"

"Welcome to the craziness, Pretty Boy," Derek said, tilting his chin up and kissing him softly.

Spencer pulled back, hitting his arm. "Not in front of your mother." He turned back to the camera. "…You're sure?"

"Spencer, with how much we've been hearing about the young genius on the team over the years, I knew it was only a matter of time."

Spencer turned to him, eyebrow raised. "You talked about me to your family?"

"I talked about the team," Derek stated, defending himself.

"But mostly you," Fran added.

Spencer smiled, kissing his cheek. "Thank you."

"Now, with your official induction into the family? You're welcome to come with Derek to Chicago for my birthday, unless of course you have something else to do."

Spencer shook his head, not thinking of anything else he'd need to take his leave for. Before he could say a word, Derek looked between the two of them, then back at the screen. "He'll be there."

Spencer swatted at his arm. "Derek, I'm more than capable of answering a question."

"Just checking!"

Fran looked between the two. "I'm going to let you two go. Spencer, take good care of my baby."

Derek groaned. "Momma…"

"Don't worry, I will."

"And Derek, you take good care of Spencer. I'd better not hear _anything_ negative or I'll be on the next flight to D.C."

He gasped. "I'm your son. You didn't threaten him!"

"Having seen your sister threaten him, I'm pretty sure he knows better. Goodbye, you two."

Spencer gave his smirk and wave. "Bye, Fran."

"Bye, Momma."

He disconnected the call and turned to Spencer. "She's known we're dating for seven minutes, and she's already on your side. What are these skills and how can I possess them?"

Spencer smiled slightly, wrapping his arms around his neck. "You'll never know."


	12. Chapter 12

One morning, Derek and Spencer were getting ready for work in their room. A few months prior, they had converted the guest room back to what it was before Spencer moved in, and Spencer had officially moved into Derek's room, moving his bookshelves and desk out to the living room.

Derek heard Spencer sigh and stopped tying his shoes. "Hey, Derek?"

"…What is it, Pretty Boy?" he asked, looking up at him.

"Thank you, for everything."

He raised an eyebrow, wondering what the spontaneous thank you was about. He then glanced over at the calendar, realizing it was the one day of the year he was dreading for both of them: the anniversary of the day he attempted suicide. "You don't have to thank me, Spencer?"

"But I do." He watched as Spencer buttoned his shirt, keeping his attention on it. "If you hadn't thought about me in that very minute, and decided to check on me, we wouldn't have had this last year together. I wouldn't even be here right now. We wouldn't be where we are, or go through everything we've done. I never even thought there could've been an 'us' and I hate the fact that it took me trying to kill myself to find out."

Derek walked around, wrapping his arms around his waist, hooking his chin on his shoulder. "We don't have to go in today if you don't want to. It's going to be a tough day. If you'd rather sit at home, I'm sure Hotch would understand."

Spencer wiped his eyes. "I can't linger on this day forever."

"And you're not going to." He tilted his head, kissing his cheek. "But this is a hard day for all of us. We almost lost you that day, and we wouldn't be the same without our resident genius."

Spencer smiled slightly, patting Derek's hands. "I'll be fine, I have JJ and Emily to keep me company in the bullpen. Are we still on for dinner tonight?"

"You bet. It's Rossi's treat, how can we resist?"

He exhaled, reaching over on the bed for his vest. "Derek…"

"Hm?"

"Let go."

Derek released his waist and watched as he finished getting ready. "If you need to talk at all today-"

"I'll be in your office before I can even think twice."

He grabbed his keys and walked out to the kitchen, pouring coffee into two travel mugs. Spencer walked out, closing his satchel and taking one of the mugs. "Ready when you are?"

"You sure?"

Spencer nodded. "Positive."

* * *

When Spencer's doctor asked Derek to join them for today's session, he wasn't sure what to think. He didn't want to offend her or Spencer, so he walked in, taking the seat beside him.

"So, Spencer, I'm sure this is an emotional day for you."

Spencer nodded, reaching over and grabbing Derek's hand, lacing their fingers together. Derek smiled, squeezing lightly. "It is, but I have my support system in place to keep me level-headed."

"When's the last time you had any of those thoughts?"

He closed his eyes, thinking. "Five months, three weeks, and four days ago. Not even a little one since then." _The day you forgot to give him his pills – smooth one, Derek._

She gave him a smile. "Congratulations. And you've been discussing your feelings?"

"Every single day. Derek makes it a nightly ritual – after dinner, we sit down with a cup of coffee in the living room and talk about anything we're thinking about."

She looked over at Derek. "And how are you feeling today?"

He glanced at Spencer, squeezing his hand. "First and foremost, I'm extremely grateful that everything worked out a year ago, and I was able to get to him in the nick of time. I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd gotten there too late." He reached down, tracing the scar on Spencer's wrist. "He's my everything." _Way to sound like a Hallmark card._

Spencer smiled slightly, blushing.

She looked between the two. "And this?"

Spencer smiled, answering before Derek even opened his mouth. "Stronger than ever. He's the best friend and boyfriend I could ever ask for. He's been my strongest ally, and he cares so much. He even went with me a few weeks ago to visit my mother, introduced himself to her."

"How does your mother feel about him and this whole situation?"

"She's happy that I have someone to talk to who _isn't_ a professional, and said that it doesn't matter who I love, so long as I'm not alone."

"Do you see a difference in yourself from a year ago?"

He quickly nodded, wiping his eyes and sniffing. Derek resisted his instinct to wrap his arm around Spencer to calm him down. "I… I no longer feel like an afterthought or a third wheel when I'm with my coworkers. I notice now that they've always had my best interest at heart, and take care of me like a little brother. I've noticed the family dynamic to the team and it just, it feels really good. When I was injured on the job a few weeks back, they took care of me, and made sure I was checked out by an EMT, and checked in on me. It helped me notice that they always have, and I was just too blinded by my negative emotions to feel it."

"Are you still taking your medications?"

"Every morning and every night. Derek's sure of it, hasn't let me miss a pill since that one time."

She smiled. "I have to say, I'm incredibly proud of you, Spencer. You've come so far in the past year. Do you feel the progress you've made?"

He nodded, smirking. "I really do." He squeezed Derek's hand again. "And I couldn't have done it alone."

* * *

On the way to work, Derek stopped at Spencer's favorite coffee shop, getting him a large coffee and some breakfast. He tried to convince him to eat there, but Spencer insisted on going into work, seeing as they were already late. He knew better than to try to go against Spencer, because he wouldn't win that argument. When they walked inside, Spencer held onto his coffee, pressing the button for the elevator and exhaling.

Derek looked at him. "You okay?"

He nodded slightly. "That appointment was a lot more emotional than I expected it to be. I didn't expect to start crying, I'm sorry."

Derek reached over, rubbing his back and walking into the waiting elevator. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." He leaned in, pressing the button for the 6th floor.

He sighed, sipping his drink and biting his lip. "Derek?"

"What is it?"

"…Can we tell the team tonight?"

Derek smirked. "Is that what you really want to do?"

"I'm tired of having to keep it a secret. I know there are anti-fraternization rules in place, but at this point, I really don't care. I just want it all to be out there and everyone to know and understand it."

"You're positive?" He nodded and Derek smiled. "Then I guess tonight's the big reveal."

After the elevator stopped, they walked into the bullpen. Spencer walked right over to his desk, making himself comfortable. He had barely been there a minute before JJ walked over, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him tight. Derek looked over at him, wondering if he needed to step in, considering how much Spencer liked his personal space. Spencer shook his head, returning JJ's hug and smiling, rubbing her back. He watched as each of the women on their team took their turn, hugging him.

* * *

When the work day was over, everyone got into their cars, driving to the restaurant. After ordering their meals, Spencer sat up straight, sipping his wine.

Rossi looked over at Spencer. "So, kid."

Spencer's neck snapped up. "Hm?"

"How are you feeling today?"

Derek raised an eyebrow. _Didn't he get enough of this at therapy?_

He smiled slightly, reaching under the table and squeezing Derek's hand. "I can't even describe it. I'm just feeling really good."

"I was going to do this myself, but I figured you'd like to do the honors of destroying this."

He raised his eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

He reached in his jacket pocket, holding out an envelope to Spencer. Derek peeked over and saw an envelope, with 'Dave' written across the front. Specifically, it was the letter Spencer had written to Rossi before he attempted.

"…You never read it?"

Rossi shook his head. "You've told me more in the past year than you could've possibly put into that letter."

The rest of the team looked over at Spencer, watching the envelope in his hand. He brought up his other hand, ripping the envelope into pieces, setting it on the table in front of him. Derek smiled, proud of him, squeezing his hand again.

"How did it feel?"

He smirked. "Fantastic. Thank you."

* * *

After they'd finished eating, Spencer turned to Derek, who gave him a slight nod, squeezing his hand.

JJ took notice of this and nudged Garcia, who was sure to get everyone's attention with her yelp.

"Ouch, Jayje! What was that for?"

She smiled. "Sorry. I think Spence has something to say and was too nervous to say it himself."

"Sorry, 187. Do go on."

He chewed on his lip, exhaling, lacing his fingers with Derek's. "First off, I want to thank everyone for being there for me this past year. You've more than proven to me that I was completely wrong thinking I was alone, and that I do, in fact have a family out here. I definitely wouldn't be here today without all of your support."

Emily quickly held up her wine glass. "Reid, we wouldn't be a family without you." She nodded slightly. "To Reid."

When everyone else joined in and sipped their wine, he smiled. "And I um, I have a bit of news to share, if that's all right."'

Hotch gave him a nod. "Go ahead."

He bit down on his lip, and Derek could swear he felt the nerves radiating off of him. "This is going to be hard for me to admit, and I hope I can do this without any judgment or negative repercussions." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and squeezing Derek's hand. "I'm not one to enjoy labels, or naming yourself something, but I guess for the sake of this, I need to just say it. I, um," he swallowed, exhaling, "I'm in a relationship… with Derek."

The next thing Derek knew, he had an arm around him, squeezing him into a hug, and had a kiss placed on his cheek. He wasn't the least bit surprised when he realized it was Garcia. "I totally call dibs on planning your wedding."

_Wedding? What wedding?!_ He looked over and saw Spencer was showing his exact reaction. Spencer's eyes widened, looking over at JJ, who laughed. "Garcia, don't rush them down the aisle. It's only been, what, how long?"

"Nine and a half months," Derek said, squeezing his hand, smiling slightly.

Spencer bit down on his lip, looking across the table at Hotch. "I know there are rules in place for fraternization, and I promise, we never intended on this happening, or it being what it is now. And if there's an issue, I understand, but-"

Hotch smiled, putting up his hand. "You're no David Rossi when it comes to fraternization, I wouldn't worry about it."

Derek couldn't stop himself from laughing when Rossi swore at Hotch in Italian. Rossi then glanced at the two of them. "Well, all I have to say is it took you two long enough."

Spencer blushed. "Blame him. Do I look like I can make a move, let alone _start_ a relationship?"

_Blame me? With how much you maul me, I blame you!_

At this, Rossi laughed. "Good point."

Emily looked over at JJ. "You _knew_."

She smirked, shrugging. "I'm just glad the cat's finally out of the bag. Didn't know how much longer I could hold it in. Especially with this one constantly pestering me about thinking you two were together." She pointed to Garcia who was still behind them.

She bent down, whispering in their ears. "I'll forgive you if you let me know how it is in bed."

Spencer gasped, blushing. "Garcia!"

Derek shook his head. "No, Baby Girl."

She pouted. "Fine, I'll forgive you anyway."

He smiled appreciatively, watching as she went back to her seat.

* * *

Once they got home, Spencer kicked off his shoes, exhaling.

"You okay, Pretty Boy?"

He nodded, pulling off his jacket and hanging it up. "That went a lot better than I'd expected."

Derek wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist, pulling him into a hug. "You said a lot today, and put a lot out there. I'm really proud of you."

He wiped his eyes, resting his head on Derek's shoulder, nodding. "I'm proud of me too," he said softly, exhaling. "I mean it, Derek, I wouldn't be here today without you."

He kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back. "Do you need to talk?"

He shook his head slightly.

"Do you need to cry it out?"

He nodded against his shoulder and walked to the living room, sitting them down on the couch. Derek sat with him and rubbed his back as Spencer let go of everything and cried.

Spencer pulled back some time later, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He kissed his forehead, running a hand through his hair. "Were they happy tears?"

He nodded. "Happy, relieved, thankful – this last year has done so much to me and I just, I feel so grateful for everything and I can't believe I was ever in a place where I doubted myself."

He smiled, rubbing his back. "Go clean yourself up. I'll meet you in bed in a few."

He kissed him softly. "Thank you."

"Of course. Go ahead."

Derek laid back in his bed, listening to the water of the shower beating against the wall. It was a few months earlier that Spencer finally trusted himself enough to not be checked on several times when he was alone, but he did limit his showers, as to not worry himself or Derek. He heard the water stop and sat up, waiting for him. Spencer walked out a while later, climbing on the bed and curling up beside him, his head rested on Derek's chest. As always, Derek pulled the blankets over them and placed a soft kiss on Spencer's forehead, and Spencer wrapped his arms around Derek's waist.

He felt Spencer relax against him, just like he did every single night for the past year. Derek was glad that Spencer finally realized what everyone else knew all along: he was an asset to their team, and a very important member of their family. He knew that he would never lose Spencer, because he'd never find anyone like him again. He kept his grip on him, never wanting him to leave. Spencer looked up at him with a smile and Derek knew he would never let Spencer feel neglected again.


End file.
